It's come to my attention that you do not seem to care what people can handle. I would even say you don't seem to give a flying rats ass. I don't even know where that phrase comes from. Is it the same place bat shit crazy comes from?
I remember once when I was rock climbing I put my hand in a hold with bat crap. Or some other type of crap. Who knew I would be nostalgic for that?
So at first I thought this might be different after I left my private hell Scranton but even my friend Wendy is sad this year. So we should probably work some things out.
1. I am sick of worrying about money. It's time to let my mom win the lottery.
2. John needs less to do.
3. This may be unreasonable but I would like to be able to eat as many cookies as I want without any negative results. We can compromise and just do girl scout cookies.
4.Why are the ads on my phone just a bunch of symbols? I think they are Czech. That is rude.
So life, let's be a little more reasonable here.I will settle for six hours of sleep and a cheaper power bill.
Love,
Janae
So, like everyone else in the world I hate it when people reveal they are idiots when they park. Like putting their tiny little coupe in two spots and it isn't even one of those really nice cars where you can tell they just didn't want the commoners to ding their super fancy car. When I had foot surgery several years ago I realized just how many people think the handicapped parking is in fact an express lane at the grocery store.
No, it's actually for handicapped people, not some crappy blonde lady who has her kid run in the store while she talks on her cell phone to avoid looking at people.
The first time I saw little cards on etsy I thought they were funny. Then like everyone else who has been to a parking lot I was enraged. I think it was probably the next day. I wanted those cards. They are even laminated for when people make you walk longer in the rain. I think if I actually had them I wouldn't be able to give them out because I would cherish them too much. But they totally capture how I feel a LOT of the time. Maybe it's like a friendly alternative to ramming them with your car over and over when they pull into the spot right in front of you. and it's definitely less likely to get you arrested. Please tell me I'm not the only one who wishes they had ramming rods on their car some day...
Then the other day at the gym I realized something.
I was parked right on the line. No one was next to me.
This was a separate time from when my friend made me re-park for being over the line.
I think it was the second time in one week I had majorly failed at parking.
and not straightened myself out.
I swear I went to driving school, and at one point I could even parallel park. Or pull into a spot without being super crooked.
It's not nearly as funny when you look at the parking lot and the car that needs the stupid parking cards is your own car.
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Dear Friend, I don't know if you are aware, but a little less than one month ago I turned 30. that's right-a dreaded age but my friends on twitter said 30 was better than 20 so let's see. The good news: probably not as many children will be born in my 30's. I wanted to be done having children before I turned 31. I should tell you that I'm pregnant now and have vowed never to let this happen to myself again based on how I am currently feeling. NOTE TO SELF: NO MORE BABIES. I guess this time John will have proof. I'm having a baby in December. Hopefully on the 13th because I think while it would drive my sister Claire absolutely crazy, it would also cement this child's spot as her favorite. That is VALUABLE! Claire has also discovered that I am the least responsible birth control taker in the world. TRUE. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. and I hate you if you want to make a funny joke about it. HATE.
In case you didn't notice, I yell a lot while I'm pregnant. While I am typing at least. That's actually how I found out- it was Danielle's birthday and I lost my temper. Before that I was just planning to call my doctor and get a SERIOUS boost in my anti-depressants. So much crying- it's shameful. Plus my super awesome weight loss had somehow halted and I just REALLY WANTED POWDERED DOUGHNUTS. The bad news: NO ONE MADE ME PIE! I know, it's shocking. I attribute some of the pie failure to my birthday falling on Friday the 13th. I figured maybe people thought that my mom would make it for me because she was in town, but they probably forgot that my mom DOESN'T Eat Gluten- OR DAIRY. So no pie from her. Also today John admitted that he doesn't know how to make pie. Unlike cake, which my grandma made me while I visited her in New Hampshire and lamented about her somewhat broken air conditioning and worked slavishly over a quilt for my aunt. She did humor my strong desire to eat animal cookies for about five seconds until I bought them and realized they aren't that good and wanted to leave them in her cupboard. Anyway back to the pie... Today I was looking in my pantry we bought from IKEA and noticed that I had pumpkin pie filling from a craft day when Claire gave me lots of pie and I wanted to make it myself and bought all the stuff then didn't make it. I told John I still wanted pie. Like chocolate peanut butter or banana cream or WHATEVER. He revealed that he doesn't know how to make pie. Do you know what it is like to be a pregnant lady who really wants pie? because today I took a nap and dreamed about wanting a heath bar even though last time I ate one I literally broke one of my teeth out and I just thought- Maybe I could eat a heath bar pie. That could be good. Or suck, depending on if it had my mom's chocolate cream pie filling and not some stupid pudding pie mix. Sometimes I make my husband Banana cream pie with half vanilla and half banana instant pudding mix and he likes it but I secretly think it is HALF RATE PIE. Definitely not worth the calories, especially with the store bought graham cracker crust. I bet my sister Carol would make me a pie. If we lived even remotely close. I can't even think about this anymore. Did I mention slavishly working on a quilt? I sort of want to burn it up but it took too many hours of my life to destroy it. Plus it's not mine. Well like always we didn't finish as many as we wanted to, so we need to schedule another quilting sweat shop week. Maybe this time I will ask my aunt Sara whom I pretty much owe my next child to for all the favors she has done me to watch my kiddos. Let's face it, they aren't the little sweat shop workers they will one day inevitably be.
I don't want to pay the 200 dollar bill I just got in the mail. I am for sure going to ignore it for at least a week. Maybe two. I'm glad that I had some insurance so it wasn't over twice as much. Next time I want to opt out of the 200 dollar nose spray my insurance won't cover. Also, the four hour wait. If you run that far behind, you suck at life. But I guess that's the goal of every NEPA doctor.
I just wanted you to know that I am planning to ship your birthday present today. I know that your birthday was yesterday. To celebrate your birthday I found a box to mail your present in. Then I wrapped your Christmas present. I decided to mail them together. You know which one is for your Birthday because it isn't wrapped. That wouldn't fit in the box. Actually it probably would but in the frenzy of preparing the package I didn't want to venture into the cold basement where the wrapping paper is. I predict that by the end of the week the basement will be warmer, since we are getting carpet down there and some heaters. Well maybe some heaters if we buy them.
Not that I'm making excuses. I hope you are still accepting presents. I actually accept presents year round FAMILY, so I think you will too. Even though I'm pretty sure you sent me my present on time.
Also you should know that my husband's family is still waiting for their birthday presents this year. Do you think it is rude to wrap them in Christmas paper and write on them "happy birthday" with a Sharpie marker? I love sharpie markers- I want some of them in my stocking this year. Since I waited until December to purchase a years worth of Birthday presents they probably won't be that great. Also technically I think this is his fault- and not just because everything in our marriage that goes wrong is his fault (we worked that little bit out before we got married, a wife is there to nag and everything is the huband's fault.) They are his family so I mentally decided he was in charge of them this year- since he forgets to remind me of his mom's birthday sometimes. His dad gets a calendar from us every year since he asked us to make him one and his parents are divorced so mom isn't on the calendar. The first year we were married I "forgot" her birthday because he did. After that one year of embarrassment when I forgot to send the present in time I've decided to make my own calendar. Luckily now I'm facebook friends with his mom. Also I guess not shipping presents is a real habit of mine, because that has happened too. Then the people come see the present I was going to give them and I don't want them to think it's some cast off present, so it stays in my presents to be shipped bin. I actually have Thomas trains from two years ago for my nephews. I think they might have been part of that whole Chinese lead pant recall though plus I'm sure my nephews don't still use them so they are also in the bin.
Anyway I just wanted you to know when you open your present the Birthday gift isn't wrapped which I thought was appropriate since your birthday is over. Plus there is no card. I duct taped the box shut before I remembered to go get one. Also in the freezing basement.
Should I ship it separate?
Just want you to know you aren't off the hook for my birthday next year, and I'm sorry for delaying your birthday package thus making your December birthday even closer to the dreaded birthday destroyer Christmas.
You might think Danielle and I work for the people who made this Halloween kit, but we don't. We are just really really good at decorating things.
I vent a lot on my blog. I assume most of the people who read it know me and what I really think. But recently a venty post blew up into a fight which still isn't over and it is my fault. I got offended about some stupid facebook post and then blogged about it. then she found out and I got more offended about other facebook comments. I had to defriend her because I couldn't stand the status updates about how unchristian I was. Sorry Erin, I shouldn't have written about you on my blog. Thought I should say that on my blog, right?
So starting today we will have one month of purely positive blogging. I can only commit to one month. Because I am that pathetic. no more funny and sarcastic posts. I can't handle the stress. Personally I feel like we have to joke about problems and humanity, but that's not how everyone deals with it. In other news I am going to start writing a journal for my extensive venting needs, which I will burn when it is complete
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Remember when you took that pregnancy test at my house? Maybe next time actually tell me that you didn't tell your husband. Because when we were at a get together at our friends house and you were making fun of me for owning so many pregnancy tests and I wanted you to shut up so I mentioned that I own so many so friends can take them I got a little confused about why you left in a huff. Your email the next morning at 5 am made me confused for several reasons. You really think I am betraying your trust in not actually mentioning that you took a pregnancy test? WHY THE HECK DIDN'T YOU TELL YOUR HUSBAND? Who needs friends to keep their trust from their husbands- this isn't like you told me that you were cheating on him and I shouldn't tell. (but if you are don't tell me) What do you tell your husband about? Did you stop taking birth control so you could "accidentally" get pregnant. I have a generally shameless tactic about secrets. I'm not as open as my sister in law Brooke, who is refreshing, but I don't always know what I should "know" is a secret. On a side note Brooke asks me questions that I want to tell her the answer to because she is easy to talk to and fun but I don't want my husband to find out I told. So I don't tell her. And you probably shouldn't have told me you wanted to take a pregnancy test if you didn't want him to hear about it. You could have just taken one. They are in the drawer in the bathroom. I can share my pregnancy test with you. I don't think it's a big deal to take one. But the digital ones are terrible- you pay a million dollars and get the error sign. I have NEVER had one work and I have taken a few- even when I knew I was pregnant I only got the error sign. HUGE WASTE OF MONEY. Also making fun of me for having pregnancy tests in the first place was weird and rude. I like to take them when I am worried that I am pregnant. You see I am sexually active. I don't think my husband will be upset when I admit that like yours was. My friend Jen says that no one wants to hear about married sex and I have to agree. This isn't high school anymore- no one talks about it. Speaking of high school I'm glad that I wasn't sexually active in high school, because I totally would have gotten pregnant. My first child was a "surprise." And I actually had to go to the store to buy a pregnancy test when I realized I had skipped a period for the first time since I was twelve. Yep- too many visiting friends took my pregnancy tests. Thank you for inspiring me to open an esty shop with friendship breakup cards. you should have purchased one for me.
Dear Friend, I just thought you should know that those shoes you wore today are hideous. They are the color of dirty feet. Like a grey brown dirty. Why can't we spell gray with an "e" anymore. I really feel like part of the joy in life was taken away with that change. Also the shoes with toes on them represent everything disgusting about footwear. One of my friends really hated what she called "toe cleavage," which is when your little digits have a crack showing on your shoes. This is of course different if the whole digit is revealed like with sandals. Can you get any more disgusting than the sweatiness of a running shoe with exposes toes? My husband claims they are good for running and I told him as soon as he was able to run fast enough to need performance shoes he was welcome to get them. I mean serious performance needs, like my friend who got sponsored by montrail. also if your heels are cracking stop wearing open shoes- really you could get diseases and no one likes to see your open wounds, contrary to what some of my family members seem to think. High heels, always a good choice. xoxo Janae
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Dear Postal Carrier, I thought I would write you a quick note and say that this time I am not planning to deliver the letters you sent to the wrong address. I don't actually want Joan's Macy's bill but it is nice to know that she has a Macy's card. I noticed there is a large stack of mail that has been delivered to the wrong address- my address. Not just one person's mail either. This is quite different from the time we got some Christmas nuts which were meant for the people who used to live here. They weren't even good nuts- Brazil nuts and some other unsavory nuts and they were all unsalted. Does anyone like unsalted nuts? Either way those weren't delivered usps. I am just a little frustrated that you continually give us our neighbors mail. I question the security involved in that. Now do I have to bother to figure out which mail is real. I don't usually send the junk mail postcards back when they are delivered to the wrong address, but I'm pretty sure I should send the water bill back. What a waste of time- today I am going in to the post office to return all the mail that has come for other people. Another thing- when an envelope says "photos, do not bed," that also means DO NOT PUT A RUBBER BAND AROUND THE MIDDLE THAT WILL CUT INTO THE ENVELOPE AND DESTROY THE PHOTOS. Can I complain about that? I am seriously quite annoyed. My photos are not only bent, last time they were torn. Do you think the post office would pay me back if I went in and complained? I don't want you to lose your job I just want you to stop destroying my mail. I am sick of you being so completely incompetent. I know I am not paying millions of dollars to have my one package delivered but I don't fully understand why your organization can't work correctly. You are heavily subsidized but I still really needed those forever stamps I bought a while back. and shipping charges at the post office are so inconsistent- make up your mind about why an irregular sized envelope is. and stop acting like I want to mail things express or they will never get there. although now that I look in my mailbox I'm starting to suspect they might actually never get there. Here's to hoping all the people I mail things to have honest neighbors. That don't wait as long as I do to return the wrong address mail. Janae
Dear Engineer Friend, I like to think of engineers as a great religion of devout worshipers. What do you all worship: The mystical tape measure of power. Only you truly understand its ways and only you can fully harness its power. Even if you are not actually working building robots or bridges I can see it in your eyes, your faith. You are the power by which I can press a button and idle away the hours with spider solitaire, a Shaman of ingenuity. I know a few people who are engineers by profession and a few who are engineers deep in their souls. Both groups: you might not know who you are, but your loved ones do. I want you to know that the way you see the world is unique and probably difficult to explain to someone like me. I am amazed at the precision with which you do everything in your life. Yes I cannot imagine how wonderfully perfect all of the photos are in your house. That is the three which you have been able to hang. Like when you wanted to bake cookies. You needed to see all of the measuring cups I owned and line them up on the counter. After that came every bowl in order to find the perfect mix. Then the recipe was translated into an easy to understand flow chart. Each ingredient got a helpful code and the equation was prepared. I have never seen someone examine all the knives in my drawer to find the best one to level the flour. I am just really grateful that that 3a and 3b didn’t get switched, because that would have been WAY too much baking soda. Have you ever done that? Probably not. Next time I don’t want to wash all of my measuring cups- just the ones that we actually use. Also thanks engineer friend for that template you made me. When you asked if you could help and then had me get rulers, paper, pencils and other basics so you could trace all the draws and find the absolute middle I was glad. That would have helped me avoid just putting the new drawer pulls in the same place the old ones had been. Except it didn't really work out that way. I lost the template. I am so sorry. I was super scared that you would notice how some of the drawer pulls are slightly off center, which you discovered when you measured the drawers. Thanks for not mentioning it when you visited. Oh Engineers, I love watching you, and predicting how you don't want anyone else to hang photos in your house. You really do a better job than I do- I have this mirror on my wall that drives me crazy every time I look at it but I can't bring myself to fix the nails because that would take too long. Not all of us have the virtue of patience like you do. Thanks again for the little you do so perfectly. Janae
I am so glad that you had time to fit me in to your schedule today. You can imagine my shock when you had no idea I was taking a drug you prescribed. I remember back when you asked someone if their stomach pain could be from pregnancy after looking at their abdomen with an ultrasound. I guess you can never be too sure.
I want to introduce you to a little thing I like to call a clock.When the short hand is at the nine that stands for nine o clock.Most clocks need to have a reference point- they should match other clocks in the world or at least the area. If you have an appointment for nine, for example, you should be to work at nine. You should also try to avoid having more than one meeting at the same time. When I arrive for my appointment at 11:00 that does not actually mean seeing you by 1:40 was my ultimate goal.
Another thing you might want to know about is math.Let’s say you have 60 minutes and 10 patients scheduled during that time.How long can you spend with each patient?45 minutes was actually the wrong answer.
You should know that you office staff is probably the nastiest bunch of beasties in the world.Have you ever read your own online reviews?I don’t want to make you feel bad because people like you, but getting one star out of five for your office staff usually means they aren’t very good.I have never met a more horrible group of women.Your personality is so pleasant it almost makes up for them. However, that one nurse practitioner who doesn’t know that two year olds should get flu shots doesn’t so much make up for the wait.
You should know that the chairs in your waiting room look stained and the faucet in the bathroom leaks.
Please stop telling me you will do things for me, like following up or referring my baby to an eye specialist.Just tell me you have nothing for me and I can take a flying leap. Thanks for telling me to come in to your office to pick up some samples when you didn’t actually have any. I am glad you told your office staff to expect me so they wouldn’t treat me like I was hallucinating when I arrived.
The last thing I wanted to tell you is that a little piece of my heart goes out to you when I read your letter about the shortage of doctors in the area.I am so grateful that I have medical care and can even get an appointment.
There is a spelling error in the letter. It won’t stop yelling at me.
Dear Future Parent, I want to congratulate you on your soon to be delivered/upcoming/will happen one day child. I am really excited for all your parenting ideas. I am sure that your child will grow up and be just fantastic. Please do help me understand how to teach my child personal space. I don't know why I never thought of that. And help me stay strong in the battle to get my child to eat vegetables and never refuse any food. Thanks for imparting your wisdom about the diapering of my child, I don't know why I hadn't considered the correct way to do that. To be honest with you I credit the potty training of my first child to someone else so you can imagine that I am a complete idiot and need to hear all about how your child will be potty trained much earlier than my actual child. It's like predicting a win in a game you aren't actually playing. I am pretty sure that you are teaching your daughter a valuable lesson in preventing her from wearing pink from birth. I will be sure to avoid getting you any pink presents. I totally agree that I am risking reinforcing dangerous gender stereotypes. I am also eternally grateful to you sharing studies about how letting your child cry it out will make them a serial killer. Also, it meant a lot to hear that especially male children needed to be breastfed all Freud's dire claims would be realized. Thanks for offering to watch my daughter and teach her a little discipline. Maybe in the meantime I could clean my house which you predicted would never be perfectly clean. Or I could spend some time preparing the lessons since Danielle should be reading and writing by now. Mark still isn't potty trained even though he is a whopping 9 months old. Also, I am excited that you are never going to let your child watch any television. The funny thing is that I really do want my house to be dirty and that's why I don't limit eating to the kitchen. You can imagine how stupid I felt after 7 months of my child not sleeping through the night to realize that I just had to read baby wise and put him on a schedule. If only I had tried anything at all instead of just yelling at the child and flashing bright lights in his eyes. I am so excited for you to finally pop that child out/have a baby someday if you ever feel like it. I am glad that you wish you could be as irresponsible and carefree as I am, letting myself get pregnant accidentally. If only you could be as lax about discipline with your hypothetical children. All the best, and I truly hope you can have just as much joy in labor and postpartum bliss as I have experienced. With your help, hopefully I can become as good as you are going to be. Janae
p.s. yes that is food on my child's cheek in the photo. I don't know why I didn't just photoshop that out. Or maybe photoshop in a photo where mark is looking at the camera.
Dear friend, Thanks so much for using all my paper towels to blow your nose. The first time it happened and I told you we have tissues (with lotion and aloe) I thought you were just in a rush to get back to work. I guess there is nothing like the tough feeling of a paper towel rubbing on your tender nose. Luckily I got a good deal on the tissues so your method of handling your bodily fluid is maybe three times more expensive. Also I appreciate that once we ran out you used a handful of toilet paper. Just a word to the wise- if you are at someone else's house and you put anything in the toilet, just flush. I know some people follow that "if it's yellow let it mellow" method of saving water. I am not one of those people. The tissues were on the back of that unflushed toilet. They come in a little box. They are puffs and I actually think I prefer kleenex but they were 50 cents more expensive so I went with the puffs. If I could only get someone to use these ones I can spring for the more expensive tissues. But next time I know you are coming over I think I will get those eco conscious paper towels that feel a bit like sandpaper that my sister Claire has. I noticed that you left a few tissues on the kitchen table on my table cloth. Please throw them in the trash next time. I want to be a good hostess and all but I just don't want to clean up your snotty paper towels any more. Once my grandfather visited my aunt who didn't have the right brand of paper towels. The correct brand being Bounty. He asked specifically before he came for that brand and when she couldn't produce it he left without leaving his suitcase to buy the paper towels. I also feel that sense of loss when I don't have my favorite paper towels.
Also, thanks for asking me if my three year old could read or write yet. I guess being able to play scales on the piano wasn't enough for you. And thanks for looking at the blogs I made for my kids and saying you would rather just play with kids. I guess I would rather make a blog than play with my children.
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I love gifts. Over the last week I've been contacted twice on Etsy from people trying to get stuff. One of the people said- "Hi! My name is Ashley and I own a website called Ashlynkray.com where I sell one great item at a time at a really great price. I saw your baby blankets and think you do amazing work! I would like to feature them on my site if you are interested. How it works is you sell me as much for as little as you can. I then pass these great prices onto the website where thousands of moms constantly check it looking for the next great deal. You get to say what you would like about the items in the description part of the listing as well as the pictures and include your link so they, their friends and others they talk to can shop from you directly in the future. 2 websites are mamabargains.com and babysteals.com if you want to see what it would look like. I would be looking to purchase right away and they would be featured this week. Let me know if you might be interested and thank you so much for reading : ) Ashley" you know the two sites she mentioned were not actually her sites, which doesn't come up. the next email told me I had great products she would love to review on her blog- and do a giveaway! Thanks so much for offering to do a giveaway! I don't really make enough money to need a tax write off though. I didn't respond to either email. I guess I could give this stuff to people. I looked at her blog and I have done giveaways on blogs before but they have never translated to sales. Then again, I don't really trust the 'mommy bloggers' who "review" products. Really? They give you the product for free- when someone gives me something for free even if the item itself is a little vomit inducing I am thrilled to have a present. That means someone thought of me. So how can you really do a reasonable review? I have been thinking of cloth diapers and looking around at sites and finding no informative information on those blog reviews. Did you really love the free stuff they sent you to try? It's like the mommy bloggers that were speaking out against pampers and were flown out to a meeting. Now they are gushing about how awesome pampers is. Seems like a huge load of crap to me- like they were only complaining to get positive attention. What will pampers do about my frustration? Well I guess they felt important enough after visiting with the Pampers people. Many of these people are phonies. Just like the happy about everything bloggers. Maybe some of them really do love everything about motherhood though, and then I am just too jealous to read their blogs. but the reviewers- meh. They lie about what they like. They make up stories. oh wait- some of my dear friend posts are a combination of friends. That probably also qualifies as made up. I want to keep my real friends, after all... So these emails have just upset me. I don't want to have to deal with them. so I did what most mature adults would do and ignored them- and now I am complaining about them. Maybe I'm just bitter that I don't get free stuff to try out. here are some reviews of baby carriers for you- hotslings- no go. hurts your shoulder a lot- and the fabric rolls up and digs into your shoulder or neck. They sure do look hot though- so I guess maybe for a newborn. Danielle hated being in these things. Other slings- No thanks on products that had the parts break so kids fell out and now carry a warning for kids getting suffocated. Moby wrap- no thanks. Huge fabric so you are bound to drag it in the dirt when you are putting it on and then it loosens. by the end of the day your lower back hurts if you don't have Boy Scout tying skills. and you don't. Ergo carrier- I like it OK- baby hates that stupid little head cover though- do any babies let fabric hold their heads down? back doesn't hurt as much. Jeep Carrier- ugly. My husband doesn't really like wearing it either. Do you want one? Send me your address and I will mail it to you. Ring Sling- like the bad thing of the Hotsling with the long dragging fabric of the Moby- hooray! Baby Bjorn- never tried it. Mai Thai- also never tried it, but the long ties might have the moby problem of dragging on the ground. Some are cute though.
and the overall winner- Ergo
overall review- How the heck do people think it's "easy" to nurse in these things. so stupid. Also baby carriers make me a little sweaty- especially in summer. Maybe that's why strollers are so popular.
we also have a camping carrier- but people who wear those around the house look and are ridiculous- I am sorry.
I'm not judging people who solicit others for free items. but I'm also not responding to either message. Even though I love gifts- I love giving them to people I know and like. and I am totally open to doing reviews on my blog- but I hate most baby products so I would make a terrible reviewer.
How do you feel about gifts with strings attached?
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Dear Eastwick, I am so sad that I will never see you again. I wasn't ready to break up. I never got to say goodbye. You weren't even really canceled. ABC is such a bunch of jerks for not ordering any more episodes. I loved that one of the girls could control men. I decided I would steal with that power. And the one that could control the weather? Maybe my plants wouldn't have died. And I never really understood the other one's powers but she sort of got the short end of the stick. How is this show canceled? Cybil Shepherd is in it. I don't know her personally but I think she was pretty good in the show. I will never know exactly what is happening. No more episodes were ordered. HOW RUDE. ABC likes to make strange decisions about which shows continue. The Forgotten? Seriously? No offense Christian Slater you are darling. Maybe there was just too much girl power. You are made from a book? I think I should buy that book. Kat did have that funny way of speaking. Did ABC see that you got the highest score ever from one reviewer? You were supposed to be the best new show of the season. I thought you were. I had no idea they tried to make you a show in 2002. With some other interesting stars. I wonder if I can get a copy of that... Oh and one with Cher and Michelle Pfeiffer and Susan Sarandon Jack Nicholson? Huge. What was up with how stupid Roxie was? fail. nominated for a people's choice award- those things really don't mean anything to networks I guess. Dear ABC: thanks for nothing. not even ending it or producing a really cheap movie to tie up all those frustrating loose ends. you are rude. At least I still have Castle. I will miss you forever, Janae
Dear Yard, I hate you. I hate you so, so much. I guess it isn't enough that I found the carcasses of about 10,000 meal worms in the flower bed last fall when I was planting bulbs. You decided to also reveal that the shrubs had carpenter ants. Then I noticed some funny white things on the ground cover. Fungus? Thanks for getting that. And the holes all over the grass? Are those from the chipmunks I see running all over or from voles? Lucky for me I imported over 8 bags of dirt for our garden. Only one of them had a cloud of mosquitoes fly out when I dumped it. One of those mosquitoes bit my poor little baby. Why are there huge patches of grass dying? Could that be the rodents? I see rabbits and squirrels and chipmunks, but maybe there is something else. Dear ivy, thanks for trying to take over our ground cover and growing over our back window. I am also glad to know that the ground bees have survived the cold winter.
At least the tree didn't fall on our house. Or rather, only one more branch fell on our house after we pack 2000.00 to get them trimmed. A week later I found out one of our friends from church actually trims trees for a living and would have done it for much less. I am happy that John decided to cut down some trees in the winter and then discovered the quickest way to make a rabbits den- just leave them under the snow when it snows two feet the day after you trim your shrubs. I am so excited that rabbit poop is a good fertilizer since our lawn is littered with it. I am also glad that you froze like two days before our fence was going to go in and now we have to wait until June. I am so excited that whatever mystery neighborhood dog is crapping in our back yard will still have that opportunity. I am glad that the people who lived here before us probably spend 3 hours in their yard every day and I can't keep up. I am super grateful to my grass that died all winter and now wants me to mow it every other day. I am excited about the overgrown rhododendron and the dead one. Thank goodness that I could spend so much money on seed and insect control. Thanks for having spider nests in all your bushes and letting me spot just a tiny little termite the other day. You must know that I am allergic to cats and might not be able to get a mouser. I might try though. I just wanted to share a little "halfway through the project" flower bed from the backyard. Thank goodness for homeowners who planted an evergreen tree on their property line. And put a 500 lb rock right where a fence could go. I was just wondering if you think I should try to maintain you or just re-sod before we move out. Also what color rocks do you think I should replace all the ground cover with- and how toxic is that insecticide- should I wait a few years on my garden? You are sucking my life and money away. You are lucky Danielle loves you and we have to dog to chase out the squirrels.
Just one more question- what the hell is this mound? Have a great day Janae
Dear Friend, just a quick note to say hi. in case you ever wonder if people are making fun of your blog, they are. Your post this week makes you look like a spineless idiot. I may or may not talk to people on the phone about it and think of potential questions to ask you. I think you lie about how much you eat. Also in case you wonder if people think you shouldn't have worn that brown skirt with those black shoes to church, they do. At least I do. Please update again soon! Thanks
Dear Thoughtful Neighbor, Thanks so much for your thoughtful note on the white car. I think your penmanship with a sharpie leaves a little to be desired but I appreciate the thought behind it. So we shouldn't park the car on the street because that makes us "Sloppy." Unfortunately our driveway is currently occupied by our uninstalled fence, which you apparently don't find as sloppy as our car on the street. We would have installed it by now but no one even wants to give us a quote on how much it would cost for them to put it in. So far three people haven't shown up or called us back, not counting surveyors. I think I know part of the reason that the economy here is bad- people don't seem to want to work. Winter is fast approaching so you might have to wait until spring. You might ask why the fence can't go in the garage? It is in the garage- sorry. Big fence. I am not sure how I feel about being called sloppy. I noticed that our next door neighbors stopped parking their car in the street so I am guessing it isn't them. On the other side the old lady hasn't ever raked up her leaves so she probably didn't write the note. Maybe though, old ladies tend to be either really nice or super complainers. I also wanted to thank you for not commenting on the rest of our house as sloppy. I have only mowed the lawn once since having a baby and I haven't bagged our huge pile of leaves. Maybe you are really trying to tell me not to rake my leaves into the public park across the street. I wouldn't but I don't have a leaf blower like all the rest of my neighbors. Did you not notice the patch of yard where we tore out some trees but can't decide what to put in? I guess a pile of dirt and yard debris isn't sloppy to you but I might have targeted that. I was hoping to have my yard be sloppy enough that one of my sweet friendly neighbors would spontaneously clean it, but so far it is still passable. Or maybe you actually know that our car is having electrical problems and won't start right now. Sorry, no one in this lovely town can look at it until this weekend. If only you had left your address so I could explain why I didn't think parking on a public street would be a concern. Thank you for bringing my property value up with your immaculate yard. And always parking your car in the driveway. Now please stop letting your dog poop in the public park and not cleaning up after them. Sloppy. After reading your note I carefully folded it up and returned it to the car.
Dear friend, I was so excited to hear about your victory of getting "back in your jeans" after the baby. I have to admit I never accomplished that with my first baby. Until I saw the picture. I know it is really frustrating to get pregnant and gain weight and not quite be able to button up that top button anymore. Also wearing those bright red jeans with tapered legs that looked almost pegged at the bottom was quite a fashion statement. I don't know how to say it politely, but maybe you should have waited a little longer. Maybe actually you should throw those jeans away. You have asked me many times about your clothes and if they are good and I never quite have the heart to tell you that they are, but you wear jeans that are ridiculously too small. Now the biggest jean offense is wearing tapered leg jeans with that extra room in the front for your paunchy front butt and I know that you don't have one- so I salute you there. If you just had a baby and people learn about your anatomy changes from your jeans probably you need bigger jeans. Maybe Tori Spelling could wear those jeans you picked. If you ever get a wedgie from jeans you have probably selected the wrong jeans to wear. Please stop buying pants that fit you. Please start getting them a little baggy. What you consider baggy might just fit you. I'm sure a salesperson could help you find something called a "bootcut," or a "tunic top." I've really only had one friend that successfully pulled off the pink jeans. I am not sure but when they have fashion tips for the "pear shape" I think they should tell you to avoid super duper tight jeans. Congratulations on the baby and being super skinny. Good luck and hope you get lots of sleep, Janae
If Danielle could have her way she would be watching TV all day. I think this is a sign that she is a lot like her dad. Today my friend asked me why I have been missing on my blog but I realized this month that I have nothing to say. Except some advice for people I happen to know.
1.Maury Pauvitch is not a show you should try to be like. 2. Sorry your spouse turned out to be crazy. Really Crazy. Like bat sh** crazy. Now one of your parents is going to be able to say I told you so. 3. Don't go to family events if you hate everyone. Just stay home. 4. Don't pretend to be poor if you are just cheap. It is annoying, especially to people that have actually been poor or are poor. It is always easy to spot people who just don't want to spend the money over people who really know what it's like to not know if they will be able to buy groceries. This type of phony is offensive. 5. You shouldn't change your status to single unless your really are single. That means post divorce. Sorry if this hurts your dating plans. And the it's complicated status is also inaccurate. How about you don't talk about your dirty laundry on facebook? Everyone knows it's all about the pictures anyway. 6. Facebook friendship is just that- facebook friendship. What is the big deal here people? 7. How can you argue with crazy? 8. If one of your siblings says they raised the kids more than your parents, it is best to change the subject. 9. Stop asking people when they are going to move for small talk. Just don't talk to them at all if that is all you can think of. 10. Passive aggressive blog posts are lame. But mentioning everyone by name and then saying negative things is even worse, especially if you include a link.
Well I think next time I will try to have Jen guest post her birthday list. I should stick to that type of post since it is actually useful.
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