Dear life,

It's come to my attention that you do not seem to care what people can handle. I would even say you don't seem to give a flying rats ass. I don't even know where that phrase comes from. Is it the same place bat shit crazy comes from?
I remember once when I was rock climbing I put my hand in a hold with bat crap. Or some other type of crap. Who knew I would be nostalgic for that?
So at first I thought this might be different after I left my private hell Scranton but even my friend Wendy is sad this year. So we should probably work some things out.
1. I am sick of worrying about money. It's time to let my mom win the lottery.
2. John needs less to do.
3. This may be unreasonable but I would like to be able to eat as many cookies as I want without any negative results. We can compromise and just do girl scout cookies.
4.Why are the ads on my phone just a bunch of symbols? I think they are Czech. That is rude.

So life, let's be a little more reasonable here.I will settle for six hours of sleep and a cheaper power bill.
Love,
Janae

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Two Kiddos and Medical School

Lists Solve Everything

Since John started medical school I often find myself wishing I had a housekeeper, yard worker and maybe a personal assistant with a fantastic car.
I like getting things and I don't know what it is but two kids and a house is way more expensive than renting with one kid. I thought about getting a baby food maker so I could make Mark's food. Then I realized I don't really cook that often for us and if I had one more appliance I really would have to install that last shelf in the pantry myself.
and then how would I be able to look at it and think "John is going to put that up" at my leisure?
My house is like another baby. The yard wants to cost more than baby Mark.
I want to do all these things but then when I wake up in the morning I really just want to take a nap.
I asked other moms about it seems bleak.
One mom told me she was just in survival mode for the first year of her second child's life. She said she just dropped everything except for taking care of her kids.
Another mom said it wasn't hard with two- she had a hard time once it got to five.
Another mom said she swore she would never have another kids and now she hasn't been able to get pregnant and feels like God is punishing her.
Another friend said I am just trying to do too much.
Another friend said I might never have a really clean house.
Another said she has never mowed a lawn in her life.
I just wonder if it would be rude to ask these moms if they want to trade off one morning a week watching each others' kids just so we can sleep or clean. I don't think they are offering to help, but maybe they really want to. I'm not exactly in need but it sure would be nice to have someone come visit and help me. again. since that already happened. oh dear, I guess it shouldn't become a pattern.
Some wives with husbands in school seem proud of how hard it was- like I was a martyr and now the world owes me something. I don't want to be like that Also John gets more and more educated and I feel myself staying the same. He is drowning in a sea of homework and I am drowning in a sea of laundry and my big sacrifice is trying to tell John to keep going when he gets stressed and wants to quit- yes of course we can make it. I think. See you in two days when your weekly test is over. I guess our ideals change as do our interests- I want to look at window coverings on the internet and John wants to show me this really cool video online about a SKINNED HAND where you can see all the muscles.
awesome.
Of course here is my strategy so far:
Goal I threw away:
I want to be actively working at home the entire time that John is working on school
New Goal: I want to have a clean living room floor every night.
Goal I threw away: I will work out for at least 30 minutes a day every day
New Goal: I will leave the house at least once a week.
Idea I've abandoned: Being a mom is just as busy as medical school
New Idea: Being a mom is more mind-numbing than medical school.
Thing I struggle with: Danielle seems to need LOTS of attention now that we have two. Never wanted to be fed before... I get frustrated with her
Solution: we signed her up for piano lessons. and soon I suspect gymnastics and dance will be added. Or mixed martial arts. And of course preschool.
Old Idea: there is no point in pre-school. If you have one kid you might as well have many home and you can teach the kid things faster anyway.
New Idea: Preschool is a fantastic mental break. One kid is easier than two. and maybe she will get some exercise. I wonder if she will need to talk to me less if she gets to talk to lots of other kids.
Problem: It seems like John has so many important things to do. I just want to have an important board game night every week.
Coping Method: John has a calender so full of classes it seems like there is no time left for studying. My response? I wrote out all the things that I think I need to do to have a truly clean house (yard not included) and scheduled them all on a google doc. Now my day looks a little more important.

Ideas for later:

• going on trips to visit people so John can study a ton for a week or so while I am with family.
• paint the house and do all the yard work myself. If I think of it as a contest maybe I will do it. Or I can keep a log of it and charge John when he has a job for all the yard work- I bet I could save up enough in my phony log to earn a car.
• Keep A Journal of ridiculous expectations I have and try to schedule them all. This can go on the shelf next to the broken promises journal and times I was right journal. Do you think people would buy these things? I have to write all this stuff down before i forget it. So I guess before I die...
  

and suddenly I feel much better. I hope I will be able to help my kids and husband and feel like I am not just a support character but a happy individual that accomplishes a lot. And I think I will be able to forgive myself for being human and falling short of my expectations.
now if only I could also get that yard worker...

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