Happy Memories

Baby Mark slept six hours last night. I don't know if it will ever happen again anytime soon but I was pretty happy that it happened. I feel like the second child is nice because when they are newborn and never sleep you know it will end. I remember with Danielle being so overwhelmed and thinking- when does this get better? Now I keep telling myself it will get better- because I know it will. that knowledge is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
Mark is so different from Danielle. He loves to be held and loves to watch his daddy. I don't remember it being so fuzzy and happy with Danielle. Should I feel guilty for being confused about why this baby seems so much nicer? I love Danielle, but there is something wonderful about having a baby that you planned and not gaining as much weight and having a baby just rest his head against you and fall asleep. His labor was shorter and easier. My recovery was faster. His cry is quieter. His skin isn't as sensitive. He cuddles more. He won't eat if I seem upset. He doesn't like baths or getting his nails trimmed, but his crying doesn't last long and is only half hearted. He has reflux, but not as bad as Danielle. He has never vomited or pooed across the room. (although he does both, they just don't have as much force.)
I don't know how people manage two children- and I love both of them, but it's hard not to compare. My mom used to tell us that she prayed for easier children after her first three and got them. I know my mom loves me and I hope Danielle will always know I love her.
I remember with Danielle I struggled a lot with Post Partum depression. I was crying over three hours a day and I just didn't feel very alive anymore. It took a long time to get treatment. This time I was more prepared. Last time I didn't breastfeed Danielle- I ended up pumping the whole time. People were very quick to give me advice about latching and how to do things "right." There were lots of reasons it didn't work- Danielle has a bound tongue, her jaw was bruised from forcepts, I have sensitive skin, she had thrush, she had reflux so she didn't want to eat and I was bleeding so bad and it it scary when your baby starts vomiting lots of blood. etc etc there were lots of problems but I felt like they were excuses. The lactation specialists and le Leche league people I visited couldn't figure it out. I just pumped and fed it to her but I felt like I failed. So did a lot of women who told me I just couldn't make it past the pain. It wasn't until my sister was talking about not breastfeeding and called me a hard core leLeche lady that I realized maybe I hadn't failed.
This time after a week I was ready to quit and happy to start pumping. Then I read a story about a woman who couldn't take the initial pain and then tried again after a while. I decided to do it at three weeks. Mark had a cold. It worked. I don't know what happened. With Danielle all the training only made things worse- with Mark things got better. I still can't believe it worked. Some things make parenting nice- like when your first baby finally learns to smile and you realize they really don't hate you just because they cry at you all day long. Or having your hard work finally pay off, even though it wasn't important to anyone but you.

NaDell (November 7, 2009 at 5:44 PM)  

I'm glad that Mark is being a good baby for you. I think it's easier to have the hardest kids first so you know what you could be getting into. Lucky for you he's not worse than Danielle!
Remember how Vincent was the best baby ever? Well, now he's a full fledged toddler BOY, so beware!

BrittWilk (November 7, 2009 at 10:23 PM)  

you are so honest and i love you. thanks for the wise parenting words. van is harder than emery was for sure. its good to remember that he'll learn how to smile and then i'll know he doesn't just hate me. good thing he's cute or he'd be in trouble. :)

Carlie Madsen (November 8, 2009 at 11:59 AM)  

This makes me happy. When breastfeeding wasn't working for me at first and I was frustrated with pumping all the time, I thought of you and knew I could pump the whole time if I needed to. I worried endlessly at first me giving a bottle to Elijah would ruin everything. But, after some practice, we got it down too. I'm very glad Mark is easier than Danielle

mablebrown (November 14, 2009 at 5:44 PM)  

Oh Janae, I think you are an amazing mother.

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