Sunday Thoughts: Crazy Mom

Today was an interesting day. I let Mark take a nap this morning and missed church. I was going to go with John to the tough mudder to see him run. He finished and I'm super proud of him. You should look at the run HERE.
I was going to go with him- my friend said she would watch our kids the whole time (Hello HUGELY Generous) and we brought them over. Then I started feeling bad. I'm still breastfeeding mark so I guess this would be like weaning him. He usually wakes up at 4 in the morning to eat- but twice last week he waited until 8. I missed my baby after only an hour. We didn't end up driving up early because someone needed a ride the next morning- so I started regretting my decision to go- we could have dropped them off the next day- we didn't need to make someone else watch them right away. I kept asking John every ten minutes if he thought the kids were OK. I wanted to call my friend and ask if Mark was being too hard. I thought about bringing him to the race the next day. outside all day rather than with friends probably wasn't the best idea ever.
My friend didn't beat me up when I called past midnight and got our kids.
because I had a meltdown. John didn't get back until around 8 tonight so that would have been long but I bet the kids would have survived. I just didn't know if I was ready to wean Mark so suddenly. of course now I decided to wean him next week during Thanksgiving break. I just didn't feel ready because I hadn't PLANNED it. I knew Danielle would be having the time of her life with her friends but I wasn't ready to leave Mark.

The most surprising thing was how crazy I felt. I felt horribly guilty. I tried to convince myself I was worried about Mark or my friend being upset but it was really about me. I need my kids to be around. I have a hard time when they are gone. Not to play with friends or if I need to run errands for a few hours or go to the gym, but the idea of being gone a whole day terrified me. Maybe I can blame the breastfeeding. I wonder if I am just crazy or if a lot of moms go through this crazy guilty attachment.
I tell myself it was OK since Mark had a fever this morning. It went away with Tylenol and he doesn't have it anymore. Really I just realized another thing about being a mom- I feel like I have this hormonal physical connection to my children. We worked in the yard today- the three of us all bundled up planting bulbs. Or playing with the dog- Mark loves it when Austin plays ball with him. I'm still not quite sure why I stayed home or if I'm going to turn into one of those super protective crazy stalker moms someday- but now I understand them a little more.
which might not be a good thing...

have you ever realized your concern about your kids was more about you than about them?

Post a Comment