Sunday Thoughts: Marriage
My brain doesn't work right when I have a tension headache. Today I was talking to a girl at church who said she was about to get divorced. She said that she had been dating a guy who was close to getting his temple recommend then got married and realized he still smoked. She has a young baby and was very sick while she was pregnant. Her husband couldn't care for her so she went to stay with her parents. Now she doesn't want to go visit him for Christmas and he isn't getting leave. She seemed discouraged. I was sad for her.
I was also a little bit confused. Not because I doubted that she was unhappy- but because I wondered if you should stop trying if your spouse refuses to give up smoking or come to church. I don't doubt that in this woman's situation her relationship isn't good- especially after talking to her more. I just thought of how she wanted to explain her divorce by the fact that her husband says it's impossible to be in the military and mormon. As if him not wanting to be Mormon was a reason in itself. (this was not her entire story but I got sidetracked by that idea). I wonder if that is true for some people. Would you leave someone if they had different religious views that you did? If they refused to give up an addiction or smoking or friend? If you felt like they were a bad example for your children? I wonder how much that plays into someone's happiness or love. I've talked to a few women lately who have husbands with addictions. I wonder how I would feel if my husband came to me and told me he didn't want to be Mormon anymore. What if he wanted to start drinking? Do people who aren't Mormon think about things like this- if your spouse changed religions and you disagreed do you think it would destroy your marriage? If you are non religious are there behaviors that would destroy your relationship? I think it would be interesting to ask people because everyone seems to have different values.
I don't know why this one part of the conversation stuck out so much. Maybe because I didn't relate to her situation very much. I don't know anything about the military and marriage- I have a cousin that got married and her husband got deployed. He contacted her and asked for divorce and she never really found out why. I also have another cousin who seems quite happily married to a man in the military. It wasn't just about the military but about what a marriage "deal breaker" is.
What would be a marriage "deal breaker" for you- or do you have any?
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I think my deal breakers would be affairs, addiction, or abuse. It would be awfully hard if his lifestyle suddenly didn't line up with mine at all too. It takes a special kind of person to be married to a military/firefighter/police/risky profession person (man or woman).
That's an interesting question. Abuse was the first thing that came to my mind for a deal breaker. I also think if there was a point that you couldn't trust your spouse at all or they didn't want to work on the marriage that would be hard too.
Saying that it is impossible to be Mormon and in the military is honestly crap. Otherwise we wouldn't have so many men and women in the LDS Church serving (like Tanner who is going to Basic in February). I honestly don't know what my deal breaker would be. I think of a lot of things that could happen, and I just think "I wouldn't leave him for that."
Potential deal breakers loom all around you all the time. They don't need to be as dramatic as affairs, addictions or abuse. These are often symptoms of seemingly small behaviors that over time replace the hope of eternal happiness with a sense of despair. Anything, no matter how trivial, which can slowly or quickly extinguish hope is a potential deal breaker.
For me and Jim, the dealbreakers are pretty mutual - lying and violence (physical or non-physical). We are more black and white on the first than the second. That is to say, it's okay if one of us says something we don't mean when we're angry, so long as we apologize. But lying, even omitting the truth or a "little white lie" is a serious transgression.