Special Share

Special Share

My first mission companion had really strict rules about talking about things from home or past boyfriends. She called these distracting discussions "special shares." You were limited to two special shares a day. Probably the coolest thing ever- since everyone is guilty of special shares.
Just a little too much information creeps out of all of us every now and then.

and now for my special share of the day.

It starts with Baby Mark. He likes to climb on things like your face or the dog or a pillow.

I thought he was going to walk late. Now I'm not so sure. Mark is standing and taking steps.
This from the little cuddle? I guess my baby is growing up. He climbs in my lap when he is hungry and he sleeps through the night. He has six teeth and he has almost mastered not stuffing his mouth so full that he gags.
I feel like it happened overnight.
The diaper sprayer came so tomorrow is the day of the cloth- we have enough diapers to go. I did it for a while but couldn't stand the whole sprayer in a bucket over the sink. (although it was cheap which is awesome).
In other news I am having a really hard time with knowing what I should do about breastfeeding. I've been having really bad anxiety pretty much the whole time Mark has been alive. My heart pounds and sometimes I can't breathe when I feed the baby or when I lay down to sleep. For a while I just gave up on going to bed because I couldn't sleep anyway. My doctor told me the medicine I should take isn't safe for nursing. Maybe I got it from my family to hate taking medicine and dislike going to doctors. I don't want to be told that there is something wrong with me. Or worse yet- I think there is something wrong and I got to get help and they have nothing for me.
I just wanted to nurse a baby for a year, dammit. I made it through bleeding for a bloody month and now they want me to stop cold turkey? I pumped and then fed him and worked so hard until breastfeeding worked and I couldn't remember what I was fighting for. I am stalling. I think tomorrow I will call the lactation specialists just to double check about the medicine. I have been saying this for days.
I don't actually have panic attacks- so it is manageable, and my heart is healthy- turns out a pounding heart will get you lots of really neat medical tests.

I feel like being a parent makes me feel totally out of control sometimes. I still have baby weight from Danielle. There don't seem to be tangible measures of what quality parenting is. Today Danielle had a melt down at the mall and I wanted to quit. Screaming for 20 minutes because I won't buy you a ball makes me CRAZY. She had to throw away 7 of her toys when we got home. She told me she wanted to throw me in the trash instead. Where the hell did that come from? I didn't lose it which is an accomplishment. It is so humbling to be a mom. I am constantly reminded of how little I know. I also think about if my prayers and what I want sound like Danielle screaming in the mall. Or if I am as slow to understand what I should do as baby Mark is when we try to teach him not to scratch our faces off with his razor sharp baby nails.
Although some decisions are hard to make- I refuse to give up who I want to be. It's nice to feel like even in an overwhelming time I know myself. Let's hope my children can forgive me for my self centered parenting.
I really respect those moms who are so sure of their decisions. Maybe I also think they are a little crazy too. Sorry for the swears all my really righteous friends. These things happen to some of us. Probably not you.

end of special share- what's yours?

BrittWilk (June 10, 2010 at 11:36 AM)  

hey janae! i'm so excited i won the etsy contest! i just checked out with it on your sister's etsy but didn't leave a message so will you pass that on to your sister since i clicked the "i promise to pay" button. ha! :)

The Blind Spot (June 10, 2010 at 4:05 PM)  

Don't worry, you're a good Mom and I'm sure your decisions are right. I think it was right to show Danielle the consequences for her behaviour. You're not self-centered, remember the HUGE food bag including two spoons (that you are probably missing right now). I love the picture of John and Mark (at the top). I'll put it on my desktop as background picture right now! BTW, how is school?

rjs (June 13, 2010 at 9:26 AM)  

Wow. Its hard for a dad to read about his daugher's struggles with being a parent. Its the toughest job in the world to master even when your desire to master it is so great. I don't have a single specific suggesion, but I pray for your success.

Brooke (June 15, 2010 at 9:49 AM)  

bless your heart! It is so hard. There is nothing worse than a long tantrum in the mall or walmart where it's hard to leave. little frickers! i am not offended by your swearing & think you should do it more <3

karen and cameron (June 17, 2010 at 6:49 PM)  

Janae I found your blog...and you are not a bad mom. Actually, it was really comforting for me to read this cause I've been all but hating my kids and wanting to get in the car and drive away since school got out.

We need to get together and vent. I'm going to try and do bachelorette this next Mon. Hopefully Cameron's not on call.

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