Mommy Wars

Every time I talk to mom’s it seems like we talk a lot about kids. Mom’s are really competitive about their kids. Stay at home moms especially. Right after I had Danielle she had reflux and I remember talking to someone about it. They were like- “Oh she’s sick- it doesn’t seem like she is that bad. My kids were way sicker when they were born. They were really hard.” I remember I wanted to push her over, like on the playground. This was my first post pregnancy introduction to mommy wars.

Of course it didn’t take that long to find the second: breastfeeding. We were going to specialists trying to figure out what was wrong. I couldn’t take the pain. The problems were probably as boring to you reading this blog as they were to the people I talked to. What they really wanted to do was tell me how good they were at breastfeeding. One well meaning friend would always interrupt if someone else asked and tell me it’s hard but you just have to work through the pain and it gets better. Then she told me I could always just try formula, it’s worked for many of her friends. It was pretty clear that she considered breastfeeding part of motherhood. My inability to breastfeed was a sign of my lack of dedication as a mom.

The Mom one-upmanship can apply to anything, including naps. People ask when your baby goes to sleep and what kind of naps they take. I am happy to say that even though Danielle slept through the night quite early the one upping mom’s can beat me because Danielle doesn’t always have a bedtime and when she does it’s about ten o’clock. Most people are surprised when I tell them that and say- wow you should start moving that up bit by bit- you only have to move it up a half hour at a time. Yes, that is true but I like our midnight baby. Of course this morning I am watching Danielle and I am really tired. I remember before I had children it was eerie to see adults sing theme songs to The Backyardagains" or other nursery hits. The theme songs were ridiculously inane. Now I am eating my words; last night I stayed up until 2:00 a.m. and this morning Sesame Street captivating her attention is priceless. I wonder if I could sell that as a mastercard add. What a wonderful show.

I think most parents put their kids to bed so early so they can get precious alone time. I will stay up just to get some “Janae time.” Or wake up at 5:00 in the morning so I can dink around on the internet without worrying about Danielle breaking dishes (she likes breaking things) or reaching for the keyboard like she is doing this very moment. Alone time is pretty important, as is mommy competition. One of the women I know had children that walked at 9 months. The next time we talked about it her kids walked at 8 months, which is really impressive I have to admit. I went out of town and when I got back she told me her daughter started walking a long time ago. So long ago that I had actually seen the child and knew they weren’t walking. I guess pushing your child to walk makes you a better mom. Too bad for all those moms my kid was walking as soon as she was born.

These are the things mom’s ask each other- how many teeth does your child have (Danielle is pathetically behind), how many baby signs do they know (Does screaming or pointing count?) or maybe just the good old does she sleep through the night? I know women who breastfeed their precious lucky children almost until they go to kindergarten.

I think mommy wars replace other wars. When people ask John about how his school is going they ask me how Danielle is. She is my newest academic endeavor. It is tacky to ask about grades but not about babies. John doesn’t seem to understand the underlying aggression in many of these mommy wars. Most of them end with me listening to some great unsolicited parenting advice. I was looking for a picture to this post so I Google searched mommy wars and it is a book. I guess I didn't think of it first. One more mommy war loss.

In the great mommy war I have a secret weapon I have not unveiled. Next time someone asks me when my baby goes to bed or when we are going to have another baby I plan to calmly answer “Danielle’s head measures above the 95^th percentile.” Those are pretty good odds but I will be on the lookout for their two headed baby.