Marriage Excellence: Compromise

Every great relationship is based on compromise. One of my favorite examples of compromise is from one of my sisters. She wanted to live on the east coast. He wanted to live in Utah. They compromised and they live in Idaho.
and that is what compromise is all about- if you are both miserable at least you have something in common, right?
Husband and I have compromised a lot in life. I like to think of a few examples from recent history. I really wanted a barbecue- a great big shiny one with multiple burners and a smoking rack. Do I want a gas one? Maybe. I tell John. We compromised. We spend 8 dollars on a beautiful little unit at Target. The green one was a little prettier but it was 11 dollars. The disadvantage of this table beauty? If you put the cover on the coals go out.

Our other wonderful recent compromise involved getting a new car. Last summer he was going to work in a different state all week so we decided maybe we needed two cars. I wanted a mini van or SUV. I know I can fit my family in a smaller car but sometimes I want to be able to go somewhere with my friends with children and drive. It is nice to be able to drive and not take a separate car. In my husband's family it seems like once you have three children you have "earned" a larger car. At that time I had one child and was pregnant. Clearly, I wasn't meeting the quota. But someday I would have a bigger car.
We compromised and got a Prius. He tells me that we talked about it beforehand. This is how our conversations went.
Me: I want a big car. Maybe mini-van. I hear the Honda Odyssey is Good.
Him: I want a Prius.
Me: What about an SUV?
Him: I called about a Prius.
Me: A highlander?
Him: As long as it is as new as you want and costs as much as a Prius.
Me: How did you come up with this budget number?
Him: what about an electric car?
Me: I want a leather interior.
Him: I called about test driving a Prius.
We bought that Prius. No leather interior. My car stopped working shortly after that. John fixed it himself but it still didn't work reliably almost a year later. and the AC doesn't work.
The Prius is mine now.
Now that is real marital compromise. Even though I didn't want it I am taking it.

Some of the things that help us with our excellent compromises are these: What is the cheapest? That is probably going to win so don't even worry about it.
If that cheapest option fails then you can work up to what you would really want. But first you should spend a long time trying to make that cheaper option work. For example the 8 dollar grill doesn't actually work but John plans to drill some holes in the top so it doesn't extinguish. I am thinking about buying another broiler pan since when the grill goes out we broil things in the oven. Our subaru may have a non functioning alternator but if you only drive it a short distance in the winter that's OK- or after 8 or nine months of making that work you can take it in.

THE JOHN and Janae marriage program advocates keeping a Compromise Journal- draw a line down the middle of a regular journal and put one name in each column. When you feel like you have compromised in favor of your spouse write it in the journal on their name. For example if you hate the ugly man couch your husband got you at DI when you said you wanted a couch you can write it in his column. If you wanted to save 100 dollars a month for each child and it happens you can write it in your column.
The compromise tracker can help with lots of things. Maybe you didn't realize you were making a compromise- maybe you didn't really want that kitchen table so you won't get it, thus getting a costly tally. Or maybe you will have a day of evening the scores.

I am still waiting for that day. John hasn't been keeping score so I am way ahead.
I can't be responsible for his log entries after all...

What is your favorite compromise?

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Marriage Course Lesson 2- Competition

People say that competition is bad. The John and Janae Marriage Rocks program begs to differ. Competition is awesome. Hello- how long have the Olympics been around? A Long Time. Because being the best is totally worth it.
Now sometimes competition can be bad for a marriage- like when you are competing to see who can go the longest without putting laundry away. Believe me I have tried that and it never goes well for me. I have had much more luck with who can ignore the dishes longer. This winning spirit made me a little embarrassed when my sister in law came to visit and did all my dishes. Embarrassed and thrilled.
Our course recommends against competing with each other, and turns rather to a couple's style competition. Like the amazing race which I have never watched so it might not actually be like that. Don't compare everything, just pick extra special things.
After people leave your home you can say to the closed door "Our marriage totally kicks your marriage's A@#." No joke. Your husband is your best friend? Her husband is "the best friend, companion, lover, and husband in the world for me." ? Well that reminds me of a song by Akon about his Homie, Lover, Friend. How exactly do you know your husband is the best lover? There is no Olympics for that I hope. Is your husband really your best friend? You also claimed he was the cheapest man on the planet.
One word people: Bestest.
I remember visiting a friend who lived in an apartment with Newlyweds downstairs. Extremely loud newlyweds. They like to yell. Once when we were visiting the scandalous noise started almost right after they told us how awkward it was. He turned to her and said "oh we could take them." Yes, experience and competition.
This competition can be dangerous though, as I learned when I was told that my husband did more household chores than most husbands. Shame on you, other husbands. This is not the true spirit of competition. Do you do more chores than every husband in the world? Maybe not.
It is said that Shakespeare could not have created his works in a different society. London was one of the most critical theater going environments at his time. If people aren't performing you just can't compete against them and rise to marital greatness. The Gold Medal of happiness and togetherness.
John and I are better at talking about feelings.
John and I are better at not favoring each other in games.
John and I are better at getting each other awesome gifts.
John and I are better at painting.
John and I are better at managing our children.
John and I are better at speaking German.
John and I have a better insurance rate.
John and I are better at saving for our children.
John and I are better drivers.

All of these things apply to different couples, but are true.

For this experience write down the names of all of your couple friends. Now write one sentence of what you do better than they do.
If you come across a name you can't think of anything for, fall back on being better homies.


image source: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2009/10/01/2009-10-01_global_warming_could_make_2016_olympics_the_last_games.html

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Parenting Wisdom: A Therapy Course with Janae

I am always offering people the John and Janae therapy program where we help troubled couples. Our therapy is based on a basic premise that feelings are bad. Once you both recognize them you can commiserate together and try to get rid of all those pesky bad ones.

Now we are also offering the John and Janae parenting therapy program. It is worth giving up precious sleep for- and money of course.

Here is a little sampling of things we like to talk about.
1. People tell you never to sleep in your bed with your baby. The le Leche League promotes co-sleeping. In reality so little sleeping actually occurs that it really doesn't matter where you are. your baby won't sleep in their crib or your bed, so get over it.
2. Some people think that supplementing with a bottle is the right answer so you can get sleep. These people have clearly never been lactating and felt the wrath of engorgement. I recently read a book called The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers that claims that engorgement doesn't really happen. Pretty much everything you hear about breastfeeding and other types of feeding is a lie. And everyone you talk to is probably more than a little crazy and delusional from lack of sleep.
3. No matter how hard your baby is, your sister's baby is/was/will be harder. This can be both a blessing and a curse, depending on how you look at it.
4. Any time you add another person in your family you will add stress. You only have so much time in the day- so try to figure out how you will get the most sleep out of it.
5. I read in one of these books that your baby won't care about if you shower. That is disgusting- you should care about if you shower.
6. One of the best things that ever happened to motherhood? Epidurals. Second best? Antidepressants.
7. Buying things to make you feel better only lasts as long as your credit limit-or your generous friends.
8. Once you have kids you realize that pets are never like children. It's annoying when people talk about pets like children. We can complain about these horrendous people in therapy. No dog ever took over a year to learn how to walk.
9. When people comment on how cute and quiet your baby is just stop talking to them and walk away. Don't try to correct them or start crying- it's embarassing.
10. Nicely dressed children are always seen as better than other children. Even an alien headed baby looks cute in Burberry. People who tell you it doesn't matter what children wear? their children are probably dirty- and you probably think they are ill behaved. There is really nothing wrong with a well dressed baby. Suck it up and get the baby a fancy dress people.

the cost is 50 dollars a session, which can be booked over the phone.
It will blow your mind forever.

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