Dear Carrie,
It has come to my attention that you were wearing highly low cut and not very flattering jeans last night.
Your waist looked non-existent in your tight black pants. Maybe you should rethink that look a little bit. Not that you looked bad, it's just that it made your torso look odd. My stomach totally doesn't look like that when I am wearing low cut pants. I think it looks a little bit pregnant. I don't know if you know this but I had stretch marks on my stomach and they were all faded but I feel like they are coming back. Lucky for me I get the light colored ones, which match my perfectly tube sock white skin. How about you? It wasn't looking like you had any on Dancing with the Stars last night. Also how do you fly all the way there? I'm starting to be convinced that Dancing with the Stars isn't actually live.
Also, get some better facebook pictures, your lack of face shots is really ruining my blog desires this morning.
xoxo
Janae
Dear Mom Friend,
I just thought I would let you know that I don't think you should feel guilty about liking that one child more than the others.
You know, someone should love that child- because I sure don't. It makes me realize how sometimes people don't realize their loved one is super messed up. Maybe they do know it but they just don't want to admit their violent child isn't so awesome. That is their genetic material after all.
I guess some combinations just work better than others.
Seriously though think about it- we all have people we like more than others. My mom has a favorite. They just seem like a natural match. They get along. OK right now they aren't getting along- but their personalities match really well. I love my mom but we aren't such a natural match. I get it.
I feel good about it.
and so should you. Ok maybe the poster is a little blasphemous. Maybe.
Dear Friend, I don't know if you are aware, but a little less than one month ago I turned 30. that's right-a dreaded age but my friends on twitter said 30 was better than 20 so let's see. The good news: probably not as many children will be born in my 30's. I wanted to be done having children before I turned 31. I should tell you that I'm pregnant now and have vowed never to let this happen to myself again based on how I am currently feeling. NOTE TO SELF: NO MORE BABIES. I guess this time John will have proof. I'm having a baby in December. Hopefully on the 13th because I think while it would drive my sister Claire absolutely crazy, it would also cement this child's spot as her favorite. That is VALUABLE! Claire has also discovered that I am the least responsible birth control taker in the world. TRUE. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. and I hate you if you want to make a funny joke about it. HATE.
In case you didn't notice, I yell a lot while I'm pregnant. While I am typing at least. That's actually how I found out- it was Danielle's birthday and I lost my temper. Before that I was just planning to call my doctor and get a SERIOUS boost in my anti-depressants. So much crying- it's shameful. Plus my super awesome weight loss had somehow halted and I just REALLY WANTED POWDERED DOUGHNUTS. The bad news: NO ONE MADE ME PIE! I know, it's shocking. I attribute some of the pie failure to my birthday falling on Friday the 13th. I figured maybe people thought that my mom would make it for me because she was in town, but they probably forgot that my mom DOESN'T Eat Gluten- OR DAIRY. So no pie from her. Also today John admitted that he doesn't know how to make pie. Unlike cake, which my grandma made me while I visited her in New Hampshire and lamented about her somewhat broken air conditioning and worked slavishly over a quilt for my aunt. She did humor my strong desire to eat animal cookies for about five seconds until I bought them and realized they aren't that good and wanted to leave them in her cupboard. Anyway back to the pie... Today I was looking in my pantry we bought from IKEA and noticed that I had pumpkin pie filling from a craft day when Claire gave me lots of pie and I wanted to make it myself and bought all the stuff then didn't make it. I told John I still wanted pie. Like chocolate peanut butter or banana cream or WHATEVER. He revealed that he doesn't know how to make pie. Do you know what it is like to be a pregnant lady who really wants pie? because today I took a nap and dreamed about wanting a heath bar even though last time I ate one I literally broke one of my teeth out and I just thought- Maybe I could eat a heath bar pie. That could be good. Or suck, depending on if it had my mom's chocolate cream pie filling and not some stupid pudding pie mix. Sometimes I make my husband Banana cream pie with half vanilla and half banana instant pudding mix and he likes it but I secretly think it is HALF RATE PIE. Definitely not worth the calories, especially with the store bought graham cracker crust. I bet my sister Carol would make me a pie. If we lived even remotely close. I can't even think about this anymore. Did I mention slavishly working on a quilt? I sort of want to burn it up but it took too many hours of my life to destroy it. Plus it's not mine. Well like always we didn't finish as many as we wanted to, so we need to schedule another quilting sweat shop week. Maybe this time I will ask my aunt Sara whom I pretty much owe my next child to for all the favors she has done me to watch my kiddos. Let's face it, they aren't the little sweat shop workers they will one day inevitably be.
I don't want to pay the 200 dollar bill I just got in the mail. I am for sure going to ignore it for at least a week. Maybe two. I'm glad that I had some insurance so it wasn't over twice as much. Next time I want to opt out of the 200 dollar nose spray my insurance won't cover. Also, the four hour wait. If you run that far behind, you suck at life. But I guess that's the goal of every NEPA doctor.
Dear costco muffins, I love you. I miss you. Lets go out. I love your new packaging. I still can't decide if I like chocolate or blueberry more. I wish you lived closer so I could keep testing. It's this kind of research that I went to college for. And I hate sams club. I would never cheat on you. Especially now that I am trying to track my food on weight watchers and you are more than half of my daily points. Xoxo Janae
Dear Friend, I was just writing to talk about how glad I was to go to church today. John had a fever of 102 last night and I thought I was going to die but we came. I know it's only a virus because I'm already on a prescription decongestant and antibiotics and allergy medicine. maybe it wasn't super bright to bring our seemingly healthy kids since they slept pretty much all day after church. You will be happy to know that Mark seems better from his ear infection and even slept through the night last night, which John did not. Either way I was way more laid back than usual at church. I guess all that cold medicine helps me be more mellow. My only problem is that I think it inspired unnecessarily random thoughts. No wait- I always have those. The cold medicine just makes me more confused about things that people are trying to explain to me.
Anyway today I was reminded of my mission. You see today I thought of my plans for a second mission, where I shared the important message of a bra that fit properly. I think the properly fitting bra could almost as dear to my heart as my religion. Hello- line those bras ladies! Because seriously a bra that flattens, cuts in half and sags you all at the same time can ruin you life. Actually just one of those things is enough to ruin your day, so all three= you need an intervention.
Seriously I feel like this bra fitting mission could change someone's life for the better. That someone being you. Also: the message that no Jumper is the right kind of jumper. Now I have to admit, I was guilty of the Jumper wearing. I borrowed one from my companion and it was the most comfortable thing I put on. On a hot day the air just blows right up that jumper and cools you off. Of course the resulting billowing is not particularly flattering. When I was in Germany during the hottest summer in 140 years I was seen in two glorious jumpers and gifted one by Sister Reynolds, bless her soul. But you know a lot of things are comfortable, like the Ugg boots I wear around the house. Most of you have probably never seen my capri sweat pants with pockets and they are comfortable. We are talking about full thickness pockets here.
Anyway I was a little confused today because I saw your jumper and I'm betting you learned about their magic on a mission or in a hot place but your jumper was tight. If you take a jumper and add tightness you have destroyed the inherent beauty of the jumper, which is minimal to begin with.
I was thinking I could get together with you some time and go to the mall to a little store I like to call victorias secret. I know you think they are porn but maybe in this case you can look past that to get a decent bra. We could go to macy's, I won't judge. I'm thinking under wire could really rock your world. almost enough to make that jumper passable. almost. Love, Janae
I loved this jumper so much Sister Reynolds gave it to me. She. Was. Awesome.
I just wanted you to know that I am planning to ship your birthday present today. I know that your birthday was yesterday. To celebrate your birthday I found a box to mail your present in. Then I wrapped your Christmas present. I decided to mail them together. You know which one is for your Birthday because it isn't wrapped. That wouldn't fit in the box. Actually it probably would but in the frenzy of preparing the package I didn't want to venture into the cold basement where the wrapping paper is. I predict that by the end of the week the basement will be warmer, since we are getting carpet down there and some heaters. Well maybe some heaters if we buy them.
Not that I'm making excuses. I hope you are still accepting presents. I actually accept presents year round FAMILY, so I think you will too. Even though I'm pretty sure you sent me my present on time.
Also you should know that my husband's family is still waiting for their birthday presents this year. Do you think it is rude to wrap them in Christmas paper and write on them "happy birthday" with a Sharpie marker? I love sharpie markers- I want some of them in my stocking this year. Since I waited until December to purchase a years worth of Birthday presents they probably won't be that great. Also technically I think this is his fault- and not just because everything in our marriage that goes wrong is his fault (we worked that little bit out before we got married, a wife is there to nag and everything is the huband's fault.) They are his family so I mentally decided he was in charge of them this year- since he forgets to remind me of his mom's birthday sometimes. His dad gets a calendar from us every year since he asked us to make him one and his parents are divorced so mom isn't on the calendar. The first year we were married I "forgot" her birthday because he did. After that one year of embarrassment when I forgot to send the present in time I've decided to make my own calendar. Luckily now I'm facebook friends with his mom. Also I guess not shipping presents is a real habit of mine, because that has happened too. Then the people come see the present I was going to give them and I don't want them to think it's some cast off present, so it stays in my presents to be shipped bin. I actually have Thomas trains from two years ago for my nephews. I think they might have been part of that whole Chinese lead pant recall though plus I'm sure my nephews don't still use them so they are also in the bin.
Anyway I just wanted you to know when you open your present the Birthday gift isn't wrapped which I thought was appropriate since your birthday is over. Plus there is no card. I duct taped the box shut before I remembered to go get one. Also in the freezing basement.
Should I ship it separate?
Just want you to know you aren't off the hook for my birthday next year, and I'm sorry for delaying your birthday package thus making your December birthday even closer to the dreaded birthday destroyer Christmas.
If any of you have read the Love Languages Book you would know that Christmas is a special time for one love language. The Gift givers. I like that one of the biggest seasons of the year is dedicated to my love language. I love getting things for people. I would be Santa Claus if I could. When people tell me they don't like giving presents I never quite understand what they are talking about. Do you not love other people? Don't you look at anything and have it remind you of someone? Do you never listen to what other people like? Just ask yourself- what would make them happy? I like to get people presents that remind me of them and that they wouldn't buy for themselves. If I have a hard time (JEN R.) then I just get them something I want myself. Lucky for me I want A LOT of things. I think it's pretty hard to get me a present I don't like. Actually I think it's only happened once or twice, because the presents were REALLY REALLY TERRIBLE. This year we are trying to teach Danielle to give other people presents. Mostly to distract her from just wanting everything in sight. We went to Target the other day to pick a present for someone else's birthday and she wanted to get them a tiny little car and get herself a powered bike and a Princess doll assortment and some candy and another doll and I didn't even go near the other aisles. I guess she has a long way to go in the think about others department. It just doesn't excite her like I was hoping it would. I like her complete lack of ability to think of what other people would like. We asked her what to get her gymnastics teacher. He gets a sit and spin according to Danielle. She wants one as well.
The rest of you can expect ponies. My Little Ponies. For every holiday ever. I do love me a my little pony. Unless you are one of the select few- then you might want a princess or a Pinkalicious book.
I think I'm starting to understand how parents sometimes give children's toys for birthdays. But I still feel like a hairy ball toy is a gag gift. love, Janae
It is my pleasure to tell you that we have another sock lover in the family. Remember that one year that we had over 100 socks between all of us? I was really happy that I got 12. and I know to go after Christmas and get the socks on sale. I myself don't wear seasonal socks but my children can. Danielle loves socks. She packages up all of her socks in a great big sock wrapper and carries them around with her. Or she puts all her money in a ball. It seems a little strange to have a sock stuffed with money in it- did anyone here see in living color?- but they really are a convenient change purse. Sometimes I walk into Danielle's room and she is wearing all her panties and as many socks as she can get on. She needs several pairs for her feet and hands. Did you know that socks are the new gloves? really they are the same as mittens and there are lots more options. I have to say though the other day when Danielle had socks on top of her footed sleeper I had a hard time not dying from how cute it was. I almost woke her up from sleeping, which is a horrible thing. I should know, right now I'm up in the middle of the night with her and she isn't feeling well. Maybe she needs a pair of socks.
Love this hot chocolate. Love socks.- even if I wear them very infrequently. they make my feet feel sweaty. Love you. Janae
Lessons from Danielle:
Some days you need socks on top of your footed sleeper. For fashion.
sorry about the bad picture- the flash was necessary. She is sleeping on a mattress on our floor while my mom is here. Normally she sleeps like the dead- which is why I can take flash photos of her in the middle of the night. If only Mark slept that way.
Remember when you took that pregnancy test at my house? Maybe next time actually tell me that you didn't tell your husband. Because when we were at a get together at our friends house and you were making fun of me for owning so many pregnancy tests and I wanted you to shut up so I mentioned that I own so many so friends can take them I got a little confused about why you left in a huff. Your email the next morning at 5 am made me confused for several reasons. You really think I am betraying your trust in not actually mentioning that you took a pregnancy test? WHY THE HECK DIDN'T YOU TELL YOUR HUSBAND? Who needs friends to keep their trust from their husbands- this isn't like you told me that you were cheating on him and I shouldn't tell. (but if you are don't tell me) What do you tell your husband about? Did you stop taking birth control so you could "accidentally" get pregnant. I have a generally shameless tactic about secrets. I'm not as open as my sister in law Brooke, who is refreshing, but I don't always know what I should "know" is a secret. On a side note Brooke asks me questions that I want to tell her the answer to because she is easy to talk to and fun but I don't want my husband to find out I told. So I don't tell her. And you probably shouldn't have told me you wanted to take a pregnancy test if you didn't want him to hear about it. You could have just taken one. They are in the drawer in the bathroom. I can share my pregnancy test with you. I don't think it's a big deal to take one. But the digital ones are terrible- you pay a million dollars and get the error sign. I have NEVER had one work and I have taken a few- even when I knew I was pregnant I only got the error sign. HUGE WASTE OF MONEY. Also making fun of me for having pregnancy tests in the first place was weird and rude. I like to take them when I am worried that I am pregnant. You see I am sexually active. I don't think my husband will be upset when I admit that like yours was. My friend Jen says that no one wants to hear about married sex and I have to agree. This isn't high school anymore- no one talks about it. Speaking of high school I'm glad that I wasn't sexually active in high school, because I totally would have gotten pregnant. My first child was a "surprise." And I actually had to go to the store to buy a pregnancy test when I realized I had skipped a period for the first time since I was twelve. Yep- too many visiting friends took my pregnancy tests. Thank you for inspiring me to open an esty shop with friendship breakup cards. you should have purchased one for me.
Dear Friend, I just thought you should know that those shoes you wore today are hideous. They are the color of dirty feet. Like a grey brown dirty. Why can't we spell gray with an "e" anymore. I really feel like part of the joy in life was taken away with that change. Also the shoes with toes on them represent everything disgusting about footwear. One of my friends really hated what she called "toe cleavage," which is when your little digits have a crack showing on your shoes. This is of course different if the whole digit is revealed like with sandals. Can you get any more disgusting than the sweatiness of a running shoe with exposes toes? My husband claims they are good for running and I told him as soon as he was able to run fast enough to need performance shoes he was welcome to get them. I mean serious performance needs, like my friend who got sponsored by montrail. also if your heels are cracking stop wearing open shoes- really you could get diseases and no one likes to see your open wounds, contrary to what some of my family members seem to think. High heels, always a good choice. xoxo Janae
Read more...
or actually this one is the one you lost. It took a little finding.
I don't blame you for leaving my pony at preschool- it's just that I still want it back after all these years. I want all my ponies back. Probably mom gave them to one of the younger siblings. Where is the blue pony family that I played with? We all know most of the ponies were mine, and I only had three barbies. One of which one of my sisters ruined.
Dear Postal Carrier, I thought I would write you a quick note and say that this time I am not planning to deliver the letters you sent to the wrong address. I don't actually want Joan's Macy's bill but it is nice to know that she has a Macy's card. I noticed there is a large stack of mail that has been delivered to the wrong address- my address. Not just one person's mail either. This is quite different from the time we got some Christmas nuts which were meant for the people who used to live here. They weren't even good nuts- Brazil nuts and some other unsavory nuts and they were all unsalted. Does anyone like unsalted nuts? Either way those weren't delivered usps. I am just a little frustrated that you continually give us our neighbors mail. I question the security involved in that. Now do I have to bother to figure out which mail is real. I don't usually send the junk mail postcards back when they are delivered to the wrong address, but I'm pretty sure I should send the water bill back. What a waste of time- today I am going in to the post office to return all the mail that has come for other people. Another thing- when an envelope says "photos, do not bed," that also means DO NOT PUT A RUBBER BAND AROUND THE MIDDLE THAT WILL CUT INTO THE ENVELOPE AND DESTROY THE PHOTOS. Can I complain about that? I am seriously quite annoyed. My photos are not only bent, last time they were torn. Do you think the post office would pay me back if I went in and complained? I don't want you to lose your job I just want you to stop destroying my mail. I am sick of you being so completely incompetent. I know I am not paying millions of dollars to have my one package delivered but I don't fully understand why your organization can't work correctly. You are heavily subsidized but I still really needed those forever stamps I bought a while back. and shipping charges at the post office are so inconsistent- make up your mind about why an irregular sized envelope is. and stop acting like I want to mail things express or they will never get there. although now that I look in my mailbox I'm starting to suspect they might actually never get there. Here's to hoping all the people I mail things to have honest neighbors. That don't wait as long as I do to return the wrong address mail. Janae
Dear Engineer Friend, I like to think of engineers as a great religion of devout worshipers. What do you all worship: The mystical tape measure of power. Only you truly understand its ways and only you can fully harness its power. Even if you are not actually working building robots or bridges I can see it in your eyes, your faith. You are the power by which I can press a button and idle away the hours with spider solitaire, a Shaman of ingenuity. I know a few people who are engineers by profession and a few who are engineers deep in their souls. Both groups: you might not know who you are, but your loved ones do. I want you to know that the way you see the world is unique and probably difficult to explain to someone like me. I am amazed at the precision with which you do everything in your life. Yes I cannot imagine how wonderfully perfect all of the photos are in your house. That is the three which you have been able to hang. Like when you wanted to bake cookies. You needed to see all of the measuring cups I owned and line them up on the counter. After that came every bowl in order to find the perfect mix. Then the recipe was translated into an easy to understand flow chart. Each ingredient got a helpful code and the equation was prepared. I have never seen someone examine all the knives in my drawer to find the best one to level the flour. I am just really grateful that that 3a and 3b didn’t get switched, because that would have been WAY too much baking soda. Have you ever done that? Probably not. Next time I don’t want to wash all of my measuring cups- just the ones that we actually use. Also thanks engineer friend for that template you made me. When you asked if you could help and then had me get rulers, paper, pencils and other basics so you could trace all the draws and find the absolute middle I was glad. That would have helped me avoid just putting the new drawer pulls in the same place the old ones had been. Except it didn't really work out that way. I lost the template. I am so sorry. I was super scared that you would notice how some of the drawer pulls are slightly off center, which you discovered when you measured the drawers. Thanks for not mentioning it when you visited. Oh Engineers, I love watching you, and predicting how you don't want anyone else to hang photos in your house. You really do a better job than I do- I have this mirror on my wall that drives me crazy every time I look at it but I can't bring myself to fix the nails because that would take too long. Not all of us have the virtue of patience like you do. Thanks again for the little you do so perfectly. Janae
I am so glad that you had time to fit me in to your schedule today. You can imagine my shock when you had no idea I was taking a drug you prescribed. I remember back when you asked someone if their stomach pain could be from pregnancy after looking at their abdomen with an ultrasound. I guess you can never be too sure.
I want to introduce you to a little thing I like to call a clock.When the short hand is at the nine that stands for nine o clock.Most clocks need to have a reference point- they should match other clocks in the world or at least the area. If you have an appointment for nine, for example, you should be to work at nine. You should also try to avoid having more than one meeting at the same time. When I arrive for my appointment at 11:00 that does not actually mean seeing you by 1:40 was my ultimate goal.
Another thing you might want to know about is math.Let’s say you have 60 minutes and 10 patients scheduled during that time.How long can you spend with each patient?45 minutes was actually the wrong answer.
You should know that you office staff is probably the nastiest bunch of beasties in the world.Have you ever read your own online reviews?I don’t want to make you feel bad because people like you, but getting one star out of five for your office staff usually means they aren’t very good.I have never met a more horrible group of women.Your personality is so pleasant it almost makes up for them. However, that one nurse practitioner who doesn’t know that two year olds should get flu shots doesn’t so much make up for the wait.
You should know that the chairs in your waiting room look stained and the faucet in the bathroom leaks.
Please stop telling me you will do things for me, like following up or referring my baby to an eye specialist.Just tell me you have nothing for me and I can take a flying leap. Thanks for telling me to come in to your office to pick up some samples when you didn’t actually have any. I am glad you told your office staff to expect me so they wouldn’t treat me like I was hallucinating when I arrived.
The last thing I wanted to tell you is that a little piece of my heart goes out to you when I read your letter about the shortage of doctors in the area.I am so grateful that I have medical care and can even get an appointment.
There is a spelling error in the letter. It won’t stop yelling at me.
Dear friend, Thanks so much for using all my paper towels to blow your nose. The first time it happened and I told you we have tissues (with lotion and aloe) I thought you were just in a rush to get back to work. I guess there is nothing like the tough feeling of a paper towel rubbing on your tender nose. Luckily I got a good deal on the tissues so your method of handling your bodily fluid is maybe three times more expensive. Also I appreciate that once we ran out you used a handful of toilet paper. Just a word to the wise- if you are at someone else's house and you put anything in the toilet, just flush. I know some people follow that "if it's yellow let it mellow" method of saving water. I am not one of those people. The tissues were on the back of that unflushed toilet. They come in a little box. They are puffs and I actually think I prefer kleenex but they were 50 cents more expensive so I went with the puffs. If I could only get someone to use these ones I can spring for the more expensive tissues. But next time I know you are coming over I think I will get those eco conscious paper towels that feel a bit like sandpaper that my sister Claire has. I noticed that you left a few tissues on the kitchen table on my table cloth. Please throw them in the trash next time. I want to be a good hostess and all but I just don't want to clean up your snotty paper towels any more. Once my grandfather visited my aunt who didn't have the right brand of paper towels. The correct brand being Bounty. He asked specifically before he came for that brand and when she couldn't produce it he left without leaving his suitcase to buy the paper towels. I also feel that sense of loss when I don't have my favorite paper towels.
Also, thanks for asking me if my three year old could read or write yet. I guess being able to play scales on the piano wasn't enough for you. And thanks for looking at the blogs I made for my kids and saying you would rather just play with kids. I guess I would rather make a blog than play with my children.
Read more...
Dear Eastwick, I am so sad that I will never see you again. I wasn't ready to break up. I never got to say goodbye. You weren't even really canceled. ABC is such a bunch of jerks for not ordering any more episodes. I loved that one of the girls could control men. I decided I would steal with that power. And the one that could control the weather? Maybe my plants wouldn't have died. And I never really understood the other one's powers but she sort of got the short end of the stick. How is this show canceled? Cybil Shepherd is in it. I don't know her personally but I think she was pretty good in the show. I will never know exactly what is happening. No more episodes were ordered. HOW RUDE. ABC likes to make strange decisions about which shows continue. The Forgotten? Seriously? No offense Christian Slater you are darling. Maybe there was just too much girl power. You are made from a book? I think I should buy that book. Kat did have that funny way of speaking. Did ABC see that you got the highest score ever from one reviewer? You were supposed to be the best new show of the season. I thought you were. I had no idea they tried to make you a show in 2002. With some other interesting stars. I wonder if I can get a copy of that... Oh and one with Cher and Michelle Pfeiffer and Susan Sarandon Jack Nicholson? Huge. What was up with how stupid Roxie was? fail. nominated for a people's choice award- those things really don't mean anything to networks I guess. Dear ABC: thanks for nothing. not even ending it or producing a really cheap movie to tie up all those frustrating loose ends. you are rude. At least I still have Castle. I will miss you forever, Janae
Dear Friend, just a quick note to say hi. in case you ever wonder if people are making fun of your blog, they are. Your post this week makes you look like a spineless idiot. I may or may not talk to people on the phone about it and think of potential questions to ask you. I think you lie about how much you eat. Also in case you wonder if people think you shouldn't have worn that brown skirt with those black shoes to church, they do. At least I do. Please update again soon! Thanks
Of the twelve songs I found on Wikipedia named Shame, I have had four of the containing albums. OK four in my home, I think Claire was the actual owner of the Smashing Pumpkins album. Oh I don't really like them- did Jessica Simpson seriously date super old Billy Corgan? Yuck. on so many levels. Many people tell me that I should not be ashamed of being depressed, or tired, or feel bad and compare myself with other people. They tell me to have hope. I like these people, because they seem to like me. They are trying to help me feel better, which makes me feel both better and ashamed that they think I need to feel better. I don't know if I am really insecure and feel bad about myself compared to others all day long- but I do know a LOT of people who are better than I am at many things. I know the world would probably be a better place if we could all just accept each other. I guess. It makes me sad though. I have long been a proponent of Shame. You might say it is bad and not to compare, but every time I think of the spotless house of my friend it makes my kitchen get just a little bit cleaner. And when I think of little Claire prancing as she runs on the treadmill (I am sorry Claire but you prance when you run. It is adorable) I try to go just a few more steps and wipe the gasping grimace off of my face. Shame really is one of the only reasons I do several things, including- 1. put laundry away in the closet. It is shameful to leave it out. 2. Eat any healthy food. I think I would gorge myself without society looking on. 3. Comb Danielle's hair- she really doesn't like it but that fuzzball in the back from her rubbing her head on her pillow looks terrible. 4. Shave my legs. Wait I don't do that very often. 5. Try to say positive things on my blog. I am ashamed of being someone who complains ceaselessly. 6. Refrain from sharing stories about dietary distress or ask inappropriate questions.
I wish that more people had shame about their dietary distress. Really woman- did you want to tell me about how bad your diarrhea was the other day? Or your personal infection? I didn't want to know. Also I think people should be ashamed of thinking they are better than everyone. If I was better than everyone I would write lots of witty comments about the stupid things other people do. I think the main reason people ever do housework is shame. If the least rewarding regular activities are shame driven then this activity is purely motivated by shame. My mother taught us a great deal of shame. If you bathroom is dirty, you should be ashamed. If you leave dishes in the sink, you should be ashamed. If there is a dirty diaper or other piece of trash on the floor, you should be ashamed. If you never mow your lawn, you should be ashamed. If you garage is full of dog bones, you should be ashamed. If only shame had figured more into that last one.... The world is full of shame. There are lots of blogs that capitalize on shame. yes their lives are happier and brighter and better than yours. My friend Harley says those blogs are bad for women. I guess comparison is hard on us. I secretly love it though. It's like an ongoing personality quiz where you get to compare answers and decide which is best. Women think of lots of things to compare notes about- and they have lots of good ideas. Plus with all their sponsors I can learn about the things I need to make my life brighter and more beautiful. Shame might be responsible for introducing affordable lines of beautiful fashion and art. I want the items- and I want to be famous like them so I can get them for free. sigh... Maybe improvement should come from within. Maybe Shame brings fleeting progress and joy. My theory is that shame is a stepping off point. Actually cleaning your house is important, even if you just wanted it to be cleaner than your sister in law's house. So this week I am going to recognize my shame. I am ashamed to let Danielle watch very much television. I am ashamed to still be tired after my baby is over four months old. I am ashamed of having laundry on the floor of my bedroom. I am ashamed that I never make my bed. Let's all have a little celebration of shame. This week we can all think a little bit more about what other people would think. Then you can blog about it. Whoever had the most shame wins. In other news baby Mark got his first tooth Sunday. He is so sad to be in pain. Also he sat in a chair today and sucked on a little piece of ice through a baby food net. super cute people. super cute.
Hello All: Today I am having a pity party. You are all invited. I accept gifts just like a birthday party. Here are some reasons I feel sorry for myself. 1. There is pink sanding sugar all over my living room floor. Why? Because Danielle put it there blah blah blah child proof your own darn house. I don't know if I am more sad about the pink sanding sugar or the white carpet. Or the fact that I am not sure where I put the vacuum- I should check the garage but I got distracted by feeling sorry for myself and feeding the baby. 2. Since having this baby my back has hurt- my doctor says it could be illio-sacral blah blah hurts like hell but I don't remember the name of it. The cure? Lots of work and stretching. 3. My throat hurts- is that from a virus? Maybe. Or maybe the goiter I have. Seriously that's what my doctor said. Talk about having a heart attack- any enlargement of your thyroid is a goiter. That's what John is learning is medical school. I feel like giggling but I don't know how to spell goiter. Got my blood tested today for that sore throat. 4. I was complaining about not selling on etsy and my friend told me it doesn't help that it is stuff anyone can make. sigh. Pity me because it is probably true. I guess half halfheartedly selling things anyone can make hasn't been my golden ticket. 5. To get money you usually have to work. Why isn't Survivor trying to recruit me? 6. No one is trying to recruit me- except apparently Obama wants me to go back to work. Or school or something. 7. The earliest Mark has gone to bed this week? 3:30 a.m. I feel so guilty that John isn't getting any sleep. 8. I still don't like my haircut. Yes I should have listened to those of you who told me I shouldn't get bangs. You were right and I was wrong. 9. The shelves I bought fell off the wall. Huge holes in wall and a huge dent in the piano. They won't stay on the really helpful metal attachment piece. Did I mention I put them up myself? Also they fell on my trendy lamp and broke it. 10. Really I have nothing to complain about. Even more pity-worthy? The few who read my blog are pretty positive so they don't need to hear about it. It's hard to be frustrated and know you are lame because you are frustrated. 11. The more I run the more I am convinced it is not for me.
Maybe I'll go make dinner now like a fantastic wife would. Feel free to leave obnoxious positive comments about changing my attitude. I think I'm going to take a nap.
Posts
