Madsen Kiddos: parenting

Quiet time.

I love me some quiet time. Every day we have quiet time and Mark takes a nap. My grandma Sharp told me she made her kids have quiet time and took a nap every day. I decided that was a parenting idea I could believe in with all my heart.
So far quiet time is pretty awesome. It doesn't always happen and I don't always get to nap but I am happy with my little time.

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Sleep

The other day someone asked me what I thought about baby sleep.
I told them nothing, because it is such a controversial issue and it seems like it makes perfectly reasonable parents go crazy. You take a normally functioning human and then keep them from sleeping for just a few weeks and they just turn a little strange. They read books and ask everyone they know for help. Then whatever book they were trying the day their baby slept through the night becomes the most miraculous cure ever invented.
Actually it's surprising when people say they are tired and you are a new parent. Your friend posts on their facebook wall how they were up late from flying home from a trip then waking up for work the next day. Rage just wells up when they whine about their four hours of sleep. The next day they are so tired but they had to study for a final so they only got five hours of sleep. You yell at your spouse when you are sharing the story with them about your stupid friend. They probably are tired. but it will end. They can go home and have a nap. But you can't. It sucks. Then you cry. Then you comment on their posting. You are pretty sure your sentence made sense when you typed it. Someone else says how they are a new parent but not tired- and it's your own fault for not doing whatever it is that they are doing. You hate them.
Then you sleep an hour and get up again and feel grateful that you didn't yell at that poor unsuspecting friend. Or maybe you did. You are just so mad that they think they are tired. You. Are. Unreasonable. After two months you think you are going crazy. Your baby is older but you are more sleep deprived and crazy tired than ever. With Mark after six months I thought I might actually be hallucinating. Maybe I was but then again maybe not. Still not sure.
I seems like every mom has some grand theory about sleep with babies. Take a bunch of sleep deprived people who need structure in their lives and have very little control and you will get what- a whole lot of crazy. They are sure that if you do their plan you will have ultimate success. They have had it with their million billion children- or more commonly- their one child. My opinion? The people with the strongest opinions are usually those least qualified to have them. This applies to medical opinions as well, but that is another topic...
Right now my baby sleeps about eight hours a night. He is 12 weeks old. I am dying of happiness. I am pretty into the feed on demand and comforting your child methods of parenting. These methods almost killed me with Mark. The adjustment to two kids while my husband adjusted to medical school were probably one of the worst times in my life. ever. As I was getting ready to have my third everyone told me that this would be the most horrible time ever. I honestly couldn't imagine being more broken than with two. I decided I couldn't handle that much trouble- I couldn't stay awake if it meant I couldn't care for my other children again, because I don't know who would come bail me out of the mess of my life this time.
Then I got blessed with a good sleeper. The first month he had to be held to sleep. I had help for that period and John miraculously had Christmas break. Lots of people helped us. Then one night he slept alone in his crib for a few hours. Then a few more.
I like the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" which had advice on how to get your baby to sleep, including white noise and swaddling. When Danielle was born we read it and used it, and were quite happy when our screaming grouchy reflux baby started sleeping 12 hours a night with a four hour nap. Then came Mark. Mark did not sleep more than a few hours for SO LONG. Everyone decided it was their job to tell me about their sleep success. So many unsolicited ideas. This is when I developed my strongest sleep opinion. Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you do not. Some babies sleep longer, earlier. Be grateful if you have one of those babies.
At first I wanted to be like the über righteous co-sleeping people. Maybe with a little cot next to my bed so it didn't increase the risk of infant suffocation. What a delightfully happy breastfeeding mom I would be.
Except I can't sleep with an infant in the room. Have you heard them? They breathe loud. LOUD, I tell you. Loudly? should I be telling you loudly? Whatever I can't do it. It's hard enough with John waking me up in the night. Who knew I was a light sleeper. But my dream of those cute little mini cribs has been crushed by the fact that I own a normal sized crib and those little bed boxes just don't work for me.
The people I like the least are the cry it out people. Even the founder of the so called "Ferber Method" says parents take it too far. I heard him talk about how it wasn't his intention that people leave their babies all night. Ok maybe I hate the Baby Wise people more. They read a book that had to be revised because the original ideas lead to failure to thrive in infants. Seriously? You are supporting a method that could lead to your child's death? Then they defend their opinions- oh no the book has been changed since the whole DEBACLE WHERE IT WAS PULLED FROM SHELVES SINCE IT HURT BABIES. oh Fantastic- good thing you are a disciple of the new and revised version instead of one of the fanatics from the really really bad version. Shouldn't you maybe question the credibility of your source though? Be proud of your inability to obtain reliable information. Also be proud of how "you" taught your child to sleep. Ignore that babies start sleeping longer when their bodies and brains are ready for it.
I think I am a little bitter about it. I just don't understand recommending something like that. Congratulations with the forced revision, maybe some of your ideas don't put infants at risk of death and help them sleep now.

Maybe you are just desperate for some success since you are so very tired from caring for a child. Then again, maybe you aren't tired at all since you don't wake up with baby. Or maybe your baby sleeps all night. Either way I don't want to be your friend.
Well actually I do, but if I was cooler I wouldn't be your friend just for that, out of principle. I have slept enough in the past little while to know that what sleep method you use isn't a reason to end a friendship.
Eventually, babies start sleeping. Or go to the doctor for something more serious. Maybe swaddling can help- or scheduling for feeding or white noise or whatever. You know what helps most of all? Time. Growing up helps them sleep better.
That is what I think about baby sleep. All right I have more opinions because you can read a lot about sleep if you just cut out the sleep portion of your day, but I'm bored with my thoughts.

What do you think?

Cast number three

Andrew was born with a positional club foot. They are treating him using the ponsetti method which involves serial casting and sometimes a surgical heel release. He is making great progress.
I hate it. He screams the whole time they are putting the cast on. I feel guilty and sorry for the doctor and my baby.
Please ask me how fun it was to take all three kids to the specialist today, which is over an hour and a half away. I felt a little like a super mom and I only pulled the car over twice because Mark loves screaming.
I'm not sure if I want to feel good for hanging in there and surviving that trip ever again.
I'm really glad I'm not a single mom, because they don't have sympathetic husbands to let them take naps. I'm hoping to take a nap now...

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Snow.

Before we had Halloween, we had to get snow. They acted like it was more snow than usual but I remember snow last Halloween so I'm not sure what to think. I think if I had a real live job and worked here I would get a generator to feel more secure. I get nervous when they say how many people are without power in the snow. The kids were thrilled, except Mark didn't want to wear his hat or gloves. Actually Danielle's hat. I thought we bought him a hat last year but maybe I was wrong. He had this awesome bunting suit the first year. Now he rocks the purple snow suit. Do you think he will have to go to therapy someday for the leopard hat and purple snow suit? I should probably destroy the evidence.
I'm still not fully used to living somewhere with all four seasons. It didn't really snow much where I was in Washington- you didn't actually need super warm clothing for winter. I feel like Utah has summer and winter, and not as much fall- you don't really need a rain jacket. But we do here. Which bums me out because you get them and then the kids outgrow them. Fall, Spring, summer and winter- who knew they would need such different clothing? and do they make pink dresses for every season?

You know what I've learned- my kids just keep growing out of everything I buy them. Even though Danielle sometimes still finds clothes from two years ago and thinks they fit. They don't fit. It's adorable how she likes to dress herself. She is getting better at finding things that match. I might have my mom to thank for that, who sent her a bunch of matching clothes. If all the clothes match then your child will match- this is a powerful truth.

Also for those of you who want to hear me rant even though I shouldn't it is hard to be pregnant. I don't like it. Especially since John is still in school and I should be working since we can't really afford where we live. I think it's really hard on John because he is working and in school and wants to find more work. I don't know how people do it. 20 more months... until residency...
why in the world does this school thing take so long? Overall I'm grateful for Rachelle helping me sell things in my etsy shop. Claire helps me too. Also- I love babies. and I like them even more as they become little people that can talk and have cute personalities. I never would have guessed I would get a sensitive and stubborn kid like Danielle. It's neat to see kids develop.

You know what else makes me happy in a strange way? Winter. Snow is awesome, because it means you don't have to mow your lawn anymore, which totally rocks. I was feeling a little done with yard work. Except this weekend I am intending to dig up all my dahlias and plant the new bulbs I got for free from a catalog. Who gives away 25 dollars in free bulbs? It totally made my day.

I went to the ward Halloween party yesterday while John was at school. We went after Mark woke up from his nap so I wouldn't have to wake up captain grouchy. Some lady pointed out that I was late. Another lady expressed her shock that my baby wasn't already born. I wanted to remind them that they are huge idiots and completely rude. Who tells pregnant women they look bad? Old ladies frequently do I've noticed- that era when they were told not to gain more than ten pounds and starved themselves. Also- stupid people. It's odd because you hear "oh you don't look very pregnant" and "wow, I was never that big" in the same ten minutes. Either way stow the comments about how pregnant people look, unless you are trying to confirm your complete lack of intelligence and common sense. I was super grateful to my friend who said "it gets worse before it gets pregnant. People were calling me two weeks before the baby was born." Somehow it just made me feel better.
To the lady who told me the time it started- you are so rude. Please do me a favor and shut up. Because you are going to make me look crazy with my totally disproportionate reaction. You are thoughtless but I wanted to scream at you.
Thank goodness for my pregnancy rules to just say nothing. They help hide the tenuous hold I have on the pregnant crazy. So many feelings. Normal people wouldn't get so mad at that they want to cry and scream at a passing church lady. Actually I don't think non pregnant people cry when they are angry at all. At least I don't...
Maybe after I make 1000.00 this month and pay our mortgage I will be a little less crazy. Or maybe I will just have to keep playing the waiting game until the baby comes.
Please forgive me friends...

Friday Randoms

Today is Friday. awesome. I think I'm going to make it. Even though last night when I was trying to list things on Etsy my power went out which bummed me out and today the site is down. This will not help my plan to support my family through baby blankets.
not so much making it- my budget. One of my most hated budget items is that whole income thing. While John is still in school it doesn't seem to be in the positive very often and lately things are a little too sketchy for me to handle. Sometimes I just wish my parents were really super rich. Wouldn't that be awesome? I wish we all had rich parents who wanted to buy things for their kids like working cars and zillions of lessons and cute clothes.
I am just saying that I also dream that my mom will win publishers clearing house. like today. Second dream: sell tons of baby blankets and figure out how to get people to hire me when I'm super pregnant. I guess I'm not the picture of energy. Actually I really wish I was napping right now. Naps are the BEST!
I'm pretty sure that I am glowing though, even if that one lady from church told me I seem to be a grouchy pregnant lady. She's lucky about my rule not to yell at people when I'm pregnant. OK my rule to try not to yell.

I should give my husband credit for working his bottom off. People like to do that on blogs. He does great in school and works tutoring for SAT, MCAT and GMAT. I try not to brag because when I read some people's stuff I think to myself- why does this not even resemble who they are when you talk to them? It's like the more angry they are with their spouse the more sweetness they squeeze into their blog posts. Like they are forcing and or inventing stuff. Have you ever thought that?

these glasses actually belong to Elijah, Mark's cousin. I love this photo.

Danielle went to the pumpkin patch with her preschool. She is doing a cookie fund raiser right now if you want to buy some :-)

Danielle discovers new things she loves every time she visits Sara- she loves pumpkin muffins and disappears into pony land with Maya as soon as she gets there. They had a contest to see who could be dressed the fanciest. I loved it. I discovered Bakery story, a clever little baking game for smart phones.

People keep asking me what I will name my baby. John says I should tell them Jackal. Oh the old classic name, Jackal. Actually in the baby name book. My grandma said we could name the baby Edward if he was born on the 11th like my grandpa. I thought then I might have to change my name to Sara to let her know I was really trying to take over her life. Some time in the next few months I know we will make it through the baby book. I'll still never be one of those "refers to my fetus by the name we have had for years" people. The thrill of picking baby names is too much for such an early commitment.:-)

Kids in Bed equals Happiness. and a Pregnancy Update

I've been having trouble getting Marky to bed. so earlier this week I decided to do it earlier.
and it worked.
OK John put him to bed that day- but today he went to bed at seven.
Did I mention that is the happiest thing EVER? well it is. Sometimes I feel guilty when I am happy that I am a mom and then I look forward to bedtime so much. This guilt is quickly drowned by my bubbling up giddiness. Or anger if I find their hidden messes...

This week I made Danielle a skirt. You might not be able to tell but it has sparkly unicorn fabric and an applique unicorn. It's nice to make her stuff, she likes it. I like her too.

This boy has decided that he doesn't like it when Danielle goes to preschool. He wants me to hold him the whole time. Or maybe he just has a cold. His nose did start spontaneously exploding today... He does like eating lunch out on the porch, which we do quite frequently.

Mark is a model for my etsy shop. He modeled the Bat shirt and likes getting his picture taken. He isn't always very good at looking at the camera but he was very upset when I was done. Maybe I should start making skirts and try to make him my girl model. I was told he didn't look like a little old man anymore...
I'm still pregnant. I will be for a LONG time yet. blah. being pregnant sucks- have I mentioned that? It started to hurt to run the other day. Then I didn't work out for a week and gained two pounds. lovely. On the bright side I think I am done throwing up. hooray!
I usually think it's best to hide from everyone I know while I'm pregnant. Then I get lonely and want people to visit. The other day I got mad at someone and yelled at them a little bit for saying I don't listen. This was a person I'm not related to. The next day I wanted to blog about it. Actually I wanted to blog about how ladies get together and have the "men never pay attention and are so stupid" competition where they all talk about how dumb their husbands are. I never understand this. Maybe because I didn't marry a complete douche bag like it sounds like they did. sigh...
Maybe they are exaggerating. maybe what they are saying isn't that bad at all, but I'm just a little on edge. Good thing I followed my rules because there would be a whole lot more crazy if I didn't. Or maybe I would just have no friends at the end to help me with my kiddos.
Less than three more months... I still can't believe I'm actually pregnant. and I want yogurt with those yummy mix ins right now... Have you had those? They are great. So is Peanut butter cup cereal. FABULOUS.
still no name.
Names I like: Michael, Rowan (John hates Roman, which I like), Vincent, Thomas, Andrew, Jakob (too popular)
John likes: Finnegan and Jason and some other names that seem cooler than my names when people ask us what names we both like.
We go through a baby name book and mark the names we both like, then eliminate names. I like it. Also, if you read through one of those books almost any normal sounding name sounds good. Or even semi- normal.
It's always easier to come up with the name for the gender of baby you are NOT having. always.

Preschool clothes

Danielle loves her pink preschool clothes. I love how they all match. A lot. This might be a wardrobe idea I should stick with.

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Babysitting Exchange

I think it's totally normal to be tired all day and then wake up at four in the morning wide awake, don't you?
Carlie visited a while ago and she has a pressure cooker and when I wasn't busy being so paranoid that she wasn't having fun and her kid hated my kid it was awesome. I was just thinking about ~~the pressure cooker~~ Carlie and missing her ~~steel cut oats, which were excellent~~. Something about Carlie makes me want to work out more. Also having people over brings out the inner food pusher in me. If someone says they aren't hungry- that could just mean they aren't hungry for what you are offering because it doesn't sound that great. Just keep offering and eventually you will find something.
Speaking of which when Danielle wakes up and we don't have any peaches she is going to be seriously bummed.

For family home evening we started decorating for Halloween. We have a craft of about ten minutes each week and a super short lesson. This week it was making a "bouquet" of bats. The next morning Danielle was adding knuffle bunny to the bouquet with a craft lollipop stick and duct tape. I almost died it was so cute.

after careful consideration I've decided I need to start having a babysitting exchange. But like the Mother's day present one of the guys in the ward here did- where John calls someone and asks them to watch our kids. Seriously my friend's husband got 2 babysitters in one weekend and I had an overwhelming feeling of jealousy. I would totally have watched her kid- and why didn't John think of that? Then I learned it was a mother's day present. an EXCELLENT present. It would be awesome to have John plan something like this- but someone else thought of it first and we don't have a massive ward. Brilliant. Still jealous months later. But in a good way.

who wouldn't want to have a babysitting exchange with these kids? Don't mind the nutella on the corners of their mouths...

I always find that people say they want to babysit trade but they don't actually. Also when they say so we can go on a "date" do you think they mean "so Janae can take a nap"? I can just never actually arrange things. Which makes me worried that I have two of the "bad kids" that no one actually wants to trade with. Or that I am too unorganized to plan something like that so I am one of the "flaky" people. I would totally start the trade. My friend Suzy and I traded like once but then she had a baby. Those tend to stop progress in my life for half a year or so... So I could trade like I can watch their kid every Friday from 4 until whenever and then they could watch my kids on Saturday or something. Just planning it is overwhelming- pretty much someone should just show up on Friday night with kids and I'll watch them. I ~~will~~ might feed them Popsicles though so...

Danielle has decided that we need to take more photos of her. like lots more. sometimes I do it even though it's in the middle of the night and there is laundry all over the chair. after all, she did have quite a lovely dress on.

Mark loves his stuffed animals. Mostly he loves his tickle me elmo which is on the floor in this picture. Also loves? Jammas jammas jammas of all kinds.

You guessed it- our babysitter went to college.
After one week of preschool Danielle has decided she needs to clean all the things every day. She straightened the whole downstairs during quiet time two days ago and yesterday (a few hours ago) she cleaned up Mark's room and her own room. I was so happy that she picked things up off the floor that I think I might have squealed a little in delight.

Dear Moms,

Dear Mom Friend,
I just thought I would let you know that I don't think you should feel guilty about liking that one child more than the others.
You know, someone should love that child- because I sure don't. It makes me realize how sometimes people don't realize their loved one is super messed up. Maybe they do know it but they just don't want to admit their violent child isn't so awesome. That is their genetic material after all.

I guess some combinations just work better than others.
Seriously though think about it- we all have people we like more than others. My mom has a favorite. They just seem like a natural match. They get along. OK right now they aren't getting along- but their personalities match really well. I love my mom but we aren't such a natural match. I get it.

I feel good about it.
and so should you. Ok maybe the poster is a little blasphemous. Maybe.

Love, Janae

Maybe

Maybe I shouldn't have told my daughter that the reason that I have metal teeth is that I didn't brush my teeth enough. But she does always seem to remember to brush her teeth and I'm happy about that. I wish she liked using the big kid toothpaste more than she does. and that her hair didn't always look greasy lately. Why does it look that way? Sweat? her daily play in the sprinklers? As far as I can tell the number of showers she takes a week has gone up but her hair doesn't look that great.

This week has been full of interesting things. Like today when Danielle introduced herself to someone at a restaurant and told them they have great boobs. She said she only has small boobs but she still loves them. That was a new one. I wonder if she will get obsessed with my boobs again when I nurse the new baby- she did with Mark. How do you explain that just because mom feeds the baby with her boobs doesn't mean you should go around talking about them all day? We already worked on the no touching thing. I like to think that things with Mark will be different. Danielle was born without normal boundaries. I thought stranger anxiety was a made up thing for parents who wanted to feel special.

Mark has stranger anxiety though, which is of course a double edged sword. It's nice to feel like your child loves you, but not as nice to carry Mark around three hours a day. Lately Mark has a death wish. He wants to get hit by a car the most. The other day though he wanted to do away with Danielle. I had gone upstairs to use the restroom and Danielle decided to climb in the washer- which she does frequently. I came back downstairs and heard Danielle yell "mom." The problem was the voice was so far away- I looked outside and downstairs and I was starting to panic- until Mark started laughing. Danielle was shut in the washing machine. Mark had turned it on but hadn't started it. I have to tell you that was terrifying.

Maybe it's wrong that I want to be able to go to the bathroom alone. and shower alone. and get dressed alone. every day. actually for the bathroom one I would say several times a day even. It has certainly become an unreasonable and even unsafe expectation lately. It's just not super fun to use the restroom only to come out and discover your child is on the front porch locked out of the house. OK that happened a while ago but it wasn't fun then either.

Maybe I should also consider getting those anti nausea medications. Last week I threw up quite a bit- why is it always mostly water or my medicine? Anyway by Saturday I realized I hadn't worked out since Wednesday because I was starting to have panic attacks. Sedentary Lifestyle plus nausea plus anxiety does not equal success. Also I feel like when I am pregnant I have a hard time not getting wrapped up in negatives like that. I know- such a surprise for those of you who know and enjoy my sunny and always positive disposition. I went to spin class on Tuesday and my bottom is a little bruised. They keep telling me I will build calluses but it's been a few weeks and it still hurts to sit down the day after I go. Of course I'm planning to go tomorrow in response. I like it. I feel like I've worked really hard- and I'm sorry but spin class is a million times easier than running.

So I thought of things that could be worse than my pregnancy grouchiness. Maybe a bug could come and lay eggs in my ear- or even worse belly button- and I could try to clean it out but it wouldn't work. I thought of that just today. One of my new greatest fears I guess. I would way rather have a child with me while I go to the bathroom than have bugs crawl out of my belly button. Tomorrow we are going to the baby shower of someone who had to have surgery a few weeks before their baby was due- that would be way worse.

Now when the baby moves I will have to go check for bugs you know.
Maybe I should give up on this positive alternatives thing for a while...

Groceries

Today I went grocery shopping without my children. OK it was the other day- but you an imagine. I missed them so much. So I decided to nag myself for everything I saw that I wanted. I compulsively added items to the cart and then decided I wanted a different flavor. I ran from the cart to another aisle. I talked to the lobsters for a few minutes and cried when I had to leave them. I ordered every single kind of cake item.
I moved around the cereal boxes. I dumped all the granola bars on the floor. Then I picked up 4 or five varieties of fruit snacks and lots of chips. I picked up the pooping chicken in the easter candy and bought myself a stuffed animal. When I got to the aisle I hugged everyone's legs and told them if they looked funny. I got a twix and one of those bottle pop suckers. I had already eaten two jelly beans from the bag I ripped open and thrown the rest on the floor. I also had to go get the contents of my wallet from where I had thrown them down in disgust. I had hot dogs and lunchables, as well as every variety of dannonino yogurt.

not quite satisfied, I decided to cut out the middle mad entirely. I decided I didn't get the right fruit on the way home and had to go back for yellow apples and handi snacks. Then I got myself some cake with a princess plate. I put it on the table and went to watch shows. Each time there was a commercial break I got a new fork to get another bite. Then I just wiped frosting in my hair and threw the rest of the food in a pile on the floor. I dumped my cool-aid on my lovely pile then brought my nectarines to the basement. I took one bite of each of them and hid them behind a toy bin to rot. I emptied the bag of goldfish crackers in my bed then jumped on it to get them nice and crumbly.

When John came home, I blamed Austin the dog.
I think it was the yogurt all over my shirt that betrayed the truth...

I will not quit I will not quit I will not quit. Plus it isn't even an option.

source
who doesn't want this Print? I bought it, even though i am blonde.

time it takes me to shower = ten minutes
time it takes danielle to dump all our spices on the floor in a footsteps pattern in every room= less than ten minutes.

things I learned today- while it doesn't smell as bad as other spices, cinnamon does not really vacuum up.
if my child says she wants to take her nap in my room, that means she wants to dump all the toys out after I fall asleep.
my dyson will destroy any scripture bookmark.
sometimes no amount of brownies will make it better, so why even try.
I don't know why the spice mess felt worse than the paint all over mess, but it did.

also Mark has ear infections in both ears, which explains why he hasn't been sleeping and why he has been so grouchy.

what have you been loving about parenting lately?

Quiet.

these are my kiddos. they are on vacation in New Jersey right now. Danielle will probably never want to go home again.

My house is quiet right now. It has been quiet all week. My aunt is watching my kiddos this week and it is fantastic. I am surprised how peaceful and energized I feel- like I can take it again.
Maybe that is the prescription pain killer and antibiotics speaking. I've had a sinus infection on and off pretty much since I've lived here. A while ago I started getting headaches so bad I would sit on the couch and just let the kids run around all over and do whatever they wanted. It hurt so much. I finally went to the doctor and they gave me drugs. I made a cocktail of over the counter and prescription drugs to try to dull the pain in my head. I just wanted to drill a hole in my face to stop the feeling.
So John made me go to the doctor. Actually I think he made the appointment. Did I ever mention that I have a phobia against doctors? I do. a huge one. It takes all my energy not to cry when a doctor walks in the room. There is nothing worse than going to the doctor. No matter what it's bad news. If you are sick the bad news is that you are sick. If you aren't then you just wasted the doctor's time. I hate finding doctors I like. Plus I'm bossy. The doctor here told me we could try antibiotics again before I get a scan of my face or go to a specialist.
I just want my headache to go away. and with allergy medicine, antibiotics and pain killer, it mostly does.

anyway in good news I have worked out three days this week. and I haven't eaten any candy.

Mark loves to yell. and scream.

Marriage Excellence: The Disclaimer.

Now in order to have a more honest marriage I've thought of some things that we could assign blame for. What inspired this thought? Danielle waking Mark up at one in the morning. She decided to forgo sleep in favor of the much more interesting coloring. She wanted to use her paints so she did. The Blue paint was not as desirable so she took the lid off and dumped it behind the toilet. The yellow paint was only worthy of the hallway floor. But the red paint- Oh the red paint! it was good enough for the bed and the wall and her hair and the toilet and the tub, sink, and the wonderful carpet. In order to tell future generations about the fun she had Danielle drew pictures in a permanent marker she found in my purse. Smiley faces all over the twin bed- and the wall. And oddly on her feet but whatever.
I was so overwhelmed by the paint that I woke John up. Mark was screaming but I thought we should clean his room out a little- you see everything had been emptied from his closet onto the floor, including the new toy bin for his usually immaculate room. John was dumbfounded. Why would someone do such a horrible thing? She has had access to bath paint in the bathroom and markers in her room for a LONG time. Why now? What is wrong with our child?
Then me being overwhelmed by the mess turned into something else: shame.
You see, I remember getting in trouble for coloring on- well, everything. The lampshade, the bed, the wall. John does not remember being in trouble for such blatant destruction of property.
I'm pretty sure he would remember if he had done it.
very sure.

I can't help but wonder why that never came up while we were dating- by the way we are liable to have children that color on things and climb on furniture in order to get objects they should not have. Also, they will probably try to hide food under their beds and hoard our stolen possessions. Let's not talk about what they will do when they are teenagers. After a little consideration of our children I thought of how John could have let me know that out children would have food allergies and probably have acid reflux.

So I thought of a way to make every marriage better. At least if you are planning to reproduce during that marriage. Or even other relationships where children will result- it is a helpful disclaimer to help your spouse know what they are getting into.
Here are some questions that would be helpful as an extension of normal illnesses that would be helpful to know, like epilepsy or diabetes:

During your infancy/childhood did you/ were you

have a serious illness
described as "colicky"
Have an allergy. Describe___
Have irregular growth
Bite other children
Hit other children
get kicked out of preschool/daycare/primary
Hurt animals (OK side note maybe don't marry the person if this is true)
Color on your walls
Color on other furniture
Color on other people
Steal things from your family
steal things from school
steal things from friends
break other kids' toys
hoard food under your bed
never go to bed
purposefully disobey your parents
throw temper tantrums
Break windows on purpose
sneak around while your parents were asleep to do things you knew you shouldn't do.
wake your siblings up.
try to hide the sheets you painted on.
lie about wetting the bed.
Lie about other things. Describe_____

Not all those things apply to me, but I would like to take this moment to say that my mom has a photo of me after we colored all over our bodies. Not to be confused with the time we colored all over the walls. Also we did it in the morning- not like when we colored on our bedroom furniture when we were staying up late. Like we did every night.
and I hoarded food under my bed. and stole all my dad's quarters. and some other stuff. Like the time I tried to steal my cousin's toys.

And all this before I even started Kindergarten.

sorry love.

I'm pretty optimistic about the way we cleaned everything out of Danielle's room so fast. No more toys, no more bookshelves. No more pillow pets. She was so exhausted during the process she fell asleep. at 1:30 in the morning. I know you thought that was a good idea earlier, and I'm glad we finally did it.
Less optimistic about: the carpet....

What should you have told your spouse about?

Hello Good Night.

here's my adorable model Bronson

today was one of those days. And when I say that- I don't mean one of those good days.
It makes me want to eat lots of candy. And sleep. And call my mom.
OK I am just sick of fighting with a three year old about bedtime.

So here are some things that are fantastic about today:
1. I went to the gym. (OK we got kicked out after not very long because Mark wouldn't stop screaming in the childcare- but I was happy we went).
2. I am not on muscle relaxants as of today - I'm on arthritis medicine (because I've been having headaches so I'm taking anti-inflammatory drugs for my jaw which I like to clench.)
3. I got to take an awesome nap.
4. I still got over 11,000 steps even with my nap and short workout.
5. My sink has no dishes in it.
6. I bought myself a sweater. A nice one.
7. My kids give each other hugs. I could die it is so adorable.
8. I found out from my friend Nichole that I can take my broken dyson to a store and they will fix it- I guess they are guaranteed for life! Now I won't die from dog hair inhalation.
9. I made biscuits and put Nutella on them = happiness.
10. I have great friends. Nichole came to visit me yesterday and Claire let me use her baby as a model for my etsy shop. I also got to see Suzy's adorable new baby. I love babies.

I've found that whenever I am feeling really bad about life working hard on something makes me feel better. and if that doesn't work, I try to do something for someone else. I remember hearing as a child that if you are ever feeling sorry for yourself you aren't serving other people enough. So if you feel down, do something for someone else. I think it works. There is nothing more magical than work.

The Bunny Ninjas have arrived. what could be better?

So what was awesome about your day?

Merry Christmas!

First of all did I mention this year we finally found the perfect tree topper? I am in love with it. So Christmas was destined to be perfect.

I think there is nothing more rewarding than having kids at Christmas time. Everything we got Danielle was just what she wanted. She was so happy with her presents. Even her winter boots that we wrapped up were just what she wanted. She was pretty happy about the wall art I made her from the Rapunzel fabric she picked out. and the Rapunzel dishes and dress up clothes. She likes everything. I like that I can wrap up her winter clothes and she thinks Santa has been generous. Danielle came down the stairs after our upstairs breakfast and asked to open her stocking. darling. Mark went straight for the big present. We wanted Santa to bring the kids one big present- a ride on powered car. Then I wanted it to be good for both kids to I got a blue one. I looked all over for the best deal and finally bought it on Black Friday. I couldn't wait for Danielle's reaction. Then it came- Danielle went for the big reveal, saw the car, and asked to open her stocking. She said- "baby Mark loves his car." HIS CAR. that's right. The powered ride on is Mark's. He climbed right in and claimed it for his own. Since then Mark has been carrying things he likes to the car and storing them there. The put all his candy from his stocking in the car. Danielle showed him some of the buttons but calls it Marky's car.

Mark kept coming back to climb on different parts of his car. He got stuck once but then he got free so he was OK.

I guess that's OK since we didn't get Mark much of anything else. Turns out Mark is the unlucky kid. Every family has one- in my family every year Claire would get money in addition to her presents- because they realized the night before that she didn't have as much as anyone else. Mark pretty much got some candy in his stocking and a toothbrush and shoes. And presents from other people. We got him one thing-a kid computer. He loved that present. He always tries to steal the laptop so I thought we should get him his own. HOURS OF FUN. I like the deep transformer voice asking him to pick a game. Mark seemed very concerned about getting a comfortable chair.

Danielle was thrilled with how many books she got- and her Rapunzel stuff. We talked about baby Jesus and I'm not sure if she knows who is better- Christ or Santa Claus. Do children ever ask if Jesus is real when they lean that Santa isn't? this seems like a difficult topic.

of course right now Danielle likes playing princesses and loved all her Rapunzel stuff so maybe I don't have to worry about it too much. She knows that the witch wasn't actually Rapunzel's mother after all...

I loved this Christmas. I loved my presents and the whole day was great and best of all I loved my kiddos! Whoever said I wish I was Santa Claus was right. I loved it. I also learned that Danielle never stays still, so we don't have as many pictures of her. I tell her I am going to take her picture and she starts running around in circles. Can't so much capture that.

Less awesome- my struggling camera not wanting to get the kids in focus. It's hard to tell kids that they need to sit still so you can get a picture that may or may not be in focus. It's especially discouraging since baby Mark smiles so infrequently to begin with. I'm so frustrated my camera is supposed to be nice :-(

We took the kiddos to the Jewish Deli for our new Lunch Christmas Tradition. It was the sabbath though (which I felt a little guilty about) so they couldn't cook on the grill. I had a BLT (with beef) and John had what he said was the best Reuben he's ever had. Mark loved his food, especially that we let him eat the black and white cookie on the way home when Danielle didn't want it. You might think we feed our children only junk food- but hey- It's Christmas!

Sunday Thoughts

I don't think the perfect mom would be having a meltdown right now about her daughter not sleeping. She would just rock the sad child back to sleep with a lullaby. Her three year old child would obediently go to bed at eight and also take an early afternoon nap. If you guys don't start sleeping soon I don't know what will happen, but it won't be good.

I was talking to my sister the other day about some moms she knows who tell her she will have kids as soon as she isn't afraid of them anymore. They ask her if she realizes "the church" meaning the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints tells you to have children. They remind her that as a working woman, she has no idea what it is like to be busy and tired. My sister questioned why all these women were so unhappy with their lives. Their husbands- their children.
I love my children so much, but I feel like having children is the hardest thing I've ever done. I never thought I would just wish for it to be easy- to stop feel like I am fighting for control of my own sanity.
After Danielle was born I found myself crying a lot. For hours a day I would sit there and cry after the baby went to sleep or when she was awake. Almost all the time when I was alone. I felt like all my worst fears had come true. I couldn't breastfeed. I was so tired. I wasn't going to work. I was fat. She wouldn't stop screaming at me. She had reflux and seemed to always be angry with me. She didn't let me feed her rice cereal. She kept throwing up on me. I remember wondering if I would always feel so empty inside. I hated all the moms that told me how easy having just one child was. then I moved to a place where some of the moms at church had sick kids.
I feel like those sick children changed how I felt about motherhood. I would be terrified if my child died. Maybe I started coming out of the tunnel of sadness with the help of some great anti-depressants. I never bonded with my baby. I knew I wouldn't do anything to hurt her and would take care of her needs, but it was hard to talk to moms about how great it was to have children. I never wanted to admit that I wished I was dead but I didn't want to do anything about it because that would make me an irresponsible mother. I'm glad I got professional help to start to feel like I was alive again.
My first labor was terrible. I wanted to have another baby. To prove to myself that I could do it. People started telling me that two wasn't hard, three was.
Having baby Mark changed everything. I've never been so tired. Staying up for a few months in a row will really make you crazy I'm convinced. Mark tried to stay up all night and sleep during the day. But he took a bottle for a few weeks while I tried to figure the breastfeeding/pumping thing out and then he switched back to breastfeeding. He let me feed him. He LOVED me. I immediately felt like I loved this baby more than anything, in an intense way I thought must be a hormone released in new mothers and maybe more in breastfeeding new mothers. I have no idea what it was, but it made me feel terrible. Because I didn't have it the first time. I just felt lost. I filled my emptiness up with cute little dresses and matching shoes. This time was different. I was connected to Mark but still sad. I never anticipated waking up with children and forgetting who I was. What I loved to do. When Mark was a week old I sat in his room in the middle of the night and cried about how easy he seemed. Then I cried because I had grown to love Danielle but wondered if she would ever forgive me for not loving her immediately.
I'm different now. But I'm also still the same. I've had an easier time deciding the commit to the care of my children than I've had feeling alive. I tried not to blame my religion for telling me motherhood is a holy calling. I knew I shouldn't blame my children. I tried not to blame my husband for being busy and emotionally exhausted with school. I tried not to blame my mom for not coming to help since she was sick. I tried not to blame the church ladies for saying they would love to help but never doing anything. Except Paula.

I'm grateful for my friends. I think they saved my life. After Mark was born I remember feeling horrible and having Melissa from the med school come over and watch the kids while I slept. She cleaned my whole house. Sarah watched the kids and I went to the dentist. Melissa came again when I was sick with a breast infection. Holly came and John and I went on a date to the grocery store. Best date ever. Melissa watched them again. I have no idea how she can clean any house in 30 minutes and keep the children happy, but those kind of skills might be why she's in medical school. Then Carlie came and watched the kids and I went to the gym and took a nap every day for a week. At the end she probably felt like dying but I felt like I was a person again.

I feel really sad about how hard it is to have depression after having kids. To feel like you are lost somewhere in a sea of what you wanted your life to be and what other people say. When I became a mother I didn't understand the lost feelings at the beginning of the day, or the anger I suddenly had. Taking anti-depressants made it possible for me to love my daughter and start to feel alive again.
I know in the end I will make it though unbroken. I will know who I am and love my children. I will be a different person. I don't know if I will always live under the cloud of depression that I've carried since my first pregnancy. I don't know if I will ever weigh what I did before I had Danielle (Oh wait- yes I do and I will.) I didn't know what to tell my sister when talked about those mothers who hurt her feelings. I don't always know if I will be able to fit in to my religion as a mother who doesn't feel that holy or fulfilled. But I know that I will always be a mom and I will never give up on them. I know that even if I am broken inside and lost, I can pick up the pieces and start over again.

I love the people who helped me,
including my little kiddos.

Sunday Thoughts: Crazy Mom

Today was an interesting day. I let Mark take a nap this morning and missed church. I was going to go with John to the tough mudder to see him run. He finished and I'm super proud of him. You should look at the run HERE.

I was going to go with him- my friend said she would watch our kids the whole time (Hello HUGELY Generous) and we brought them over. Then I started feeling bad. I'm still breastfeeding mark so I guess this would be like weaning him. He usually wakes up at 4 in the morning to eat- but twice last week he waited until 8. I missed my baby after only an hour. We didn't end up driving up early because someone needed a ride the next morning- so I started regretting my decision to go- we could have dropped them off the next day- we didn't need to make someone else watch them right away. I kept asking John every ten minutes if he thought the kids were OK. I wanted to call my friend and ask if Mark was being too hard. I thought about bringing him to the race the next day. outside all day rather than with friends probably wasn't the best idea ever.

My friend didn't beat me up when I called past midnight and got our kids.

because I had a meltdown. John didn't get back until around 8 tonight so that would have been long but I bet the kids would have survived. I just didn't know if I was ready to wean Mark so suddenly. of course now I decided to wean him next week during Thanksgiving break. I just didn't feel ready because I hadn't PLANNED it. I knew Danielle would be having the time of her life with her friends but I wasn't ready to leave Mark.

The most surprising thing was how crazy I felt. I felt horribly guilty. I tried to convince myself I was worried about Mark or my friend being upset but it was really about me. I need my kids to be around. I have a hard time when they are gone. Not to play with friends or if I need to run errands for a few hours or go to the gym, but the idea of being gone a whole day terrified me. Maybe I can blame the breastfeeding. I wonder if I am just crazy or if a lot of moms go through this crazy guilty attachment.
I tell myself it was OK since Mark had a fever this morning. It went away with Tylenol and he doesn't have it anymore. Really I just realized another thing about being a mom- I feel like I have this hormonal physical connection to my children. We worked in the yard today- the three of us all bundled up planting bulbs. Or playing with the dog- Mark loves it when Austin plays ball with him. I'm still not quite sure why I stayed home or if I'm going to turn into one of those super protective crazy stalker moms someday- but now I understand them a little more.
which might not be a good thing...

have you ever realized your concern about your kids was more about you than about them?

Positive Post #13

You know what I want for my babies?
well lots of things. but also these flashcards for geek babies. I'm surpised they haven't been bought up and made fancy and sold on Thinkgeek.com
I really like the site ThinkGeek.com. Presents from there seem to go over pretty good in the Madsen household. I also want to buy like everything on the site for Harley King. he seems like he would like that stuff. and he is hilarious.
Will my child be Geeky enough for the geek alphabet? I don't know. But I do know that it brings joy to my heart that Danielle likes my little ponies.

Dear Friend,

Dear Future Parent,
I want to congratulate you on your soon to be delivered/upcoming/will happen one day child. I am really excited for all your parenting ideas. I am sure that your child will grow up and be just fantastic. Please do help me understand how to teach my child personal space. I don't know why I never thought of that. And help me stay strong in the battle to get my child to eat vegetables and never refuse any food.
Thanks for imparting your wisdom about the diapering of my child, I don't know why I hadn't considered the correct way to do that. To be honest with you I credit the potty training of my first child to someone else so you can imagine that I am a complete idiot and need to hear all about how your child will be potty trained much earlier than my actual child.
It's like predicting a win in a game you aren't actually playing.
I am pretty sure that you are teaching your daughter a valuable lesson in preventing her from wearing pink from birth. I will be sure to avoid getting you any pink presents. I totally agree that I am risking reinforcing dangerous gender stereotypes.
I am also eternally grateful to you sharing studies about how letting your child cry it out will make them a serial killer. Also, it meant a lot to hear that especially male children needed to be breastfed all Freud's dire claims would be realized. Thanks for offering to watch my daughter and teach her a little discipline. Maybe in the meantime I could clean my house which you predicted would never be perfectly clean. Or I could spend some time preparing the lessons since Danielle should be reading and writing by now.
Mark still isn't potty trained even though he is a whopping 9 months old. Also, I am excited that you are never going to let your child watch any television. The funny thing is that I really do want my house to be dirty and that's why I don't limit eating to the kitchen.
You can imagine how stupid I felt after 7 months of my child not sleeping through the night to realize that I just had to read baby wise and put him on a schedule. If only I had tried anything at all instead of just yelling at the child and flashing bright lights in his eyes.
I am so excited for you to finally pop that child out/have a baby someday if you ever feel like it. I am glad that you wish you could be as irresponsible and carefree as I am, letting myself get pregnant accidentally. If only you could be as lax about discipline with your hypothetical children.
All the best, and I truly hope you can have just as much joy in labor and postpartum bliss as I have experienced. With your help, hopefully I can become as good as you are going to be.
Janae

p.s. yes that is food on my child's cheek in the photo. I don't know why I didn't just photoshop that out. Or maybe photoshop in a photo where mark is looking at the camera.