Maybe

Maybe I shouldn't have told my daughter that the reason that I have metal teeth is that I didn't brush my teeth enough.  But she does always seem to remember to brush her teeth and I'm happy about that.  I wish she liked using the big kid toothpaste more than she does.  and that her hair didn't always look greasy lately.  Why does it look that way?  Sweat? her daily play in the sprinklers?  As far as I can tell the number of showers she takes a week has gone up but her hair doesn't look that great.

This week has been full of interesting things.  Like today when Danielle introduced herself to someone at a restaurant and told them they have great boobs. She said she only has small boobs but she still loves them. That was a new one.  I wonder if she will get obsessed with my boobs again when I nurse the new baby- she did with Mark. How do you explain that just because mom feeds the baby with her boobs doesn't mean you should go around talking about them all day?  We already worked on the no touching thing. I like to think that things with Mark will be different.  Danielle was born without normal boundaries.  I thought stranger anxiety was a made up thing for parents who wanted to feel special.

Mark has stranger anxiety though, which is of course a double edged sword. It's nice to feel  like your child loves you, but not as nice to carry Mark around three hours a day. Lately Mark has a death wish.  He wants to get hit by a car the most.  The other day though he wanted to do away with Danielle.  I had gone upstairs to use the restroom and Danielle decided to climb in the washer- which she does frequently.  I came back downstairs and heard Danielle yell "mom."  The problem was the voice was so far away- I looked outside and downstairs and I was starting to panic- until Mark started laughing. Danielle was shut in the washing machine.  Mark had turned it on but hadn't started it. I have to tell you that was terrifying.

Maybe it's wrong that I want to be able to go to the bathroom alone.  and shower alone.  and get dressed alone.  every day. actually for the bathroom one I would say several times a day even. It has certainly become an unreasonable and even unsafe expectation lately.  It's just not super fun to use the restroom only to come out and discover your child is on the front porch locked out of the house. OK that happened a while ago but it wasn't fun then either.

Maybe I should also consider getting those anti nausea medications.  Last week I threw up quite a bit- why is it always mostly water or my medicine?  Anyway by Saturday I realized I hadn't worked out since Wednesday because I was starting to have panic attacks.  Sedentary Lifestyle plus nausea plus anxiety does not equal success.  Also I feel like when I am pregnant I have a hard time not getting wrapped up in negatives like that.  I know- such a surprise for those of you who know and enjoy my sunny and always positive disposition. I went to spin class on Tuesday and my bottom is a little bruised.  They keep telling me I will build calluses but it's been a few weeks and it still hurts to sit down the day after I go. Of course I'm planning to go tomorrow in response. I like it.  I feel like I've worked really hard- and I'm sorry but spin class is a million times easier than running.

So I thought of things that could be worse than my pregnancy grouchiness.  Maybe a bug could come and lay eggs in my ear- or even worse belly button- and I could try to clean it out but it wouldn't work.  I thought of that just today. One of my new greatest fears I guess. I would way rather have a child with me while I go to the bathroom than have bugs crawl out of my belly button. Tomorrow we are going to the baby shower of someone who had to have surgery a few weeks before their baby was due- that would be way worse.

Now when the baby moves I will have to go check for bugs you know.
Maybe I should give up on this positive alternatives thing for a while...