Dear Friend,

Dear Future Parent,
I want to congratulate you on your soon to be delivered/upcoming/will happen one day child. I am really excited for all your parenting ideas. I am sure that your child will grow up and be just fantastic. Please do help me understand how to teach my child personal space. I don't know why I never thought of that. And help me stay strong in the battle to get my child to eat vegetables and never refuse any food.
Thanks for imparting your wisdom about the diapering of my child, I don't know why I hadn't considered the correct way to do that. To be honest with you I credit the potty training of my first child to someone else so you can imagine that I am a complete idiot and need to hear all about how your child will be potty trained much earlier than my actual child.
It's like predicting a win in a game you aren't actually playing.
I am pretty sure that you are teaching your daughter a valuable lesson in preventing her from wearing pink from birth. I will be sure to avoid getting you any pink presents. I totally agree that I am risking reinforcing dangerous gender stereotypes.
I am also eternally grateful to you sharing studies about how letting your child cry it out will make them a serial killer. Also, it meant a lot to hear that especially male children needed to be breastfed all Freud's dire claims would be realized. Thanks for offering to watch my daughter and teach her a little discipline. Maybe in the meantime I could clean my house which you predicted would never be perfectly clean. Or I could spend some time preparing the lessons since Danielle should be reading and writing by now.
Mark still isn't potty trained even though he is a whopping 9 months old. Also, I am excited that you are never going to let your child watch any television. The funny thing is that I really do want my house to be dirty and that's why I don't limit eating to the kitchen.
You can imagine how stupid I felt after 7 months of my child not sleeping through the night to realize that I just had to read baby wise and put him on a schedule. If only I had tried anything at all instead of just yelling at the child and flashing bright lights in his eyes.
I am so excited for you to finally pop that child out/have a baby someday if you ever feel like it. I am glad that you wish you could be as irresponsible and carefree as I am, letting myself get pregnant accidentally. If only you could be as lax about discipline with your hypothetical children.
All the best, and I truly hope you can have just as much joy in labor and postpartum bliss as I have experienced. With your help, hopefully I can become as good as you are going to be.
Janae

p.s. yes that is food on my child's cheek in the photo. I don't know why I didn't just photoshop that out. Or maybe photoshop in a photo where mark is looking at the camera.