Body Fat: Yours for the Taking

After much consideration I have decided to donate my fat to charity. Not all of it of course, but I think I have more excess body fat than I would like. As a child my mother would tell me that there are starving children in the world. These starving children would have begged for my fish sticks. I just thought the trash can begged for it. Then the garbage disposal after I was found out. Or the toilet. Send the fish back to nature I say. We were told to stay at the table until our meals were done. With fish sticks I never finished my meal.

Sometimes I paid Carol to eat it. I recommend to all high schoolers to keep a few dollars on hand with which you can bribe your siblings to eat food for you. Paul would sell acorns for ten cents- he was clearly desperate for money. Send it back! That was also my answer for the starving children. I repeatedly told my mother that I would happily ship my fish sticks to starving children in Africa. Did she ever once take me to the post office and make be box them up? No, because she knew that starving children don’t want fish, they want cookies. Everyone knows this. Every time we had fish I developed the powerful and sudden religious urge to fast. I would happily go without fish sticks and pray for a cause- the cause of the starving children in Africa. Despite repeated religious fasting years later the children if Africa still have no fish sticks. Gordon’s should be ashamed of themselves. Probably not enough children had as much faith as I did. Or maybe they had a stash of ritz bits sandwich cookies in their room. My fasting also didn’t make me even close to as thin as those children my mom talked about. How can I send them my fish sticks? Or my body fat?

The other day I tried to mail a Wii Fit I sold on Ebay to Thailand and shipping was literally 68 dollars. The cheapest shipping we found. I suspect that shipping to Africa is also spendy. The address of my box full of fish sticks? AFRICA: ATTN Starving Children. Maybe I would have to write them a letter apologizing for eating all the cookies in my lunches but sending them only by yucky fish sticks.

Now that I am older I should send my stuff to the starving mothers. They could probably use about five pounds of pure body fat. I am even willing to donate more. Many mothers in Africa could probably benefit from my excess body fat. They don’t even have to be in Africa or starving- I would donate some of my body fat to Claire my little sister- or my skinny friend Allison. Anyone who needs it or just wants some extra body fat can have it. Allison runs every day so if she didn’t want it she could get rid of it real fast. I will just list the shipping as a charitable donation on my taxes. Is plastic surgery for charity a tax deduction? I think it might be. If you know of any good charities for my body fat let me know.

Thanks mom, for teaching me to be aware of other people.