Spread The Love

One of my favorite pregnancy theories is that whatever your worst character trait is will explode in pregnancy. Let's say you are naturally not a morning person- you really should just stay home and not inflict yourselves on anyone. If you are naturally melodramatic you will get right on the crazy bus.
My sister in law Brooke accurately noticed what I already knew- I am unkind when pregnant. My first pregnancy I called my mom up every week or so and just fought with her. I would try to pick fights with people. All those unresolved feelings and issues from my entire life apparently needed to be dealt with. Except the ones that are really deeply buried, I just cried about those ones. OK maybe I should have been taking something to take the edge off of life, but I found myself having to make personal reminders not to share all the disparaging thoughts I had. Especially since there was NO WAY I could take the kind of heat that I wanted to dish out.
Turns out being very tired has a similar effect to being pregnant.
This morning John went and got the baby when I asked him to and then handed me a poopy baby in the dark. I was not pleased. I guess I wasn't polite when the light didn't instantly go on after I asked him to turn it on, so John left the room and I was left to change the diaper and feed the baby. Then I went downstairs to try to play with the baby since we are trying to switch his sleep schedule and it was officially daytime. I found where John had started to sleep. I tried to discuss if we should keep Mark up. Turns out John was sort of sleeping, but I still tried. John offered to take the baby but I didn't respond fast enough and he disappeared to sleep upstairs. Mark pooed as John walked away. All over his outfit and the changing pad and me. A lot of the time even if the baby hasn't pooed on me I feel like someone must have.
I was so angry I had to do something about it- so I constructed a clever twitter response, thanking John for his offer.
totally awesome- I'm glad I found twitter.
1.5 hours later I know it was rude, but I knew that when it happened. I guess I wanted to blame John for the baby waking up before I was ready and having a blow out all over me. And being grouchy when he wakes up and calling me out on not thanking him for getting me the baby.

When you are tired enough the whole world is just a little bit more annoying- like the kid I watched yesterday who wouldn't stop talking to me the whole time. Seriously I don't want to talk to a kid about his potty training experience for two hours. And stop telling on Danielle, because it makes me want to let her do things that I normally wouldn't since I can't abide tattle-ing.
The week before John's tests I try really hard to be nice and let him study. This attempt probably only produces a semi polite and tolerable human. I know I shouldn't say mean things about my mom being stressed at work but I do.

I call this spreading the love. I know that I don't really need to take out my feelings on people (especially my mom it turns out). It's like people who freak out when they have PMS- are those feelings less valid?
I just do my best to remember that the first time I think them and have overwhelming feelings of being wronged I need to shut up and wait. Sometimes it's just the fact that after one night of four hours of sleep and one of two I am looking forward to another night of four hours of sleep. All the gratitude and charity I've worked so hard to get seems to fly out the window.
I realize what I am made of, and at 7 in the morning today I'm not made of anything good.
Lesson of the Past
pregnancy + me sharing my feelings = not good.
John + waking John up = not good.
sleep deprivation + twitter = not good.

and it took A LOT of thought to come up with this theory. I bet other people haven't thought of it yet. or something like that.
Mark is talking and being super cute. His hands are thrilling. It's these cute things that I wait for. And Danielle waking up.