Dear Waitress

Dear Waitresses across America.
I really appreciate all that you do.
Please stop touching me.
This includes rubbing my back and shoulders. Each time you come to the table you can feel free to shove the food in front of my face if I'm not looking. I don't care if it surprises me. I think I might actually prefer being surprised by food to being touched on the back. No rubbing, my massage, no side hug from the back, please.
What it is about pregnant ladies that invites touching? The other day I went out to dinner and every time the waitress came to our table she ended up touching me. This was probably the first time I actually wanted the waitress to check on us less.
So to that waitress, you should know that I don't want a hug or congratulations. Even if I look like I could use a massage you don't have to fill that need. Plus you forgot to bring more bread and my aunt wanted to eat it with Jarlsberg cheese which is yummy. Thanks for bringing me my daughter's backpack when we forget it. Why am I the only one that gets a hand squeeze as well as the backpack? I am not sure if the unwelcome touching reverses the positive return of the backpack or not.
I hate strangers touching me. Waitresses- you are still a stranger even though I trust you to bring me my food without poisoning it.
Also, I would like to publicly tell everyone that asking about pregnancy is fine. As long as we aren't in the bathroom. When I go to the movies I don't want to be cornered in the public restroom and talk about the spacing of my children. Why does everyone ask if this is my first baby? People with kids still go to the movies I promise. It almost makes me want to skip washing my hands just to get away from ladies who tell me their labor stories while I am trying to get back in before something interesting happens in the movie.
Thanks -Janae